Sunday, July 30, 2006
Here are some updated pictures of my house and yard.
First- here is that TERRIBLE pink room- now green.
Here is my yard as it was before
And here it is after (Ok so I have not done as MUCH as I wanted yet...)
And Finally, here are some of the REALLY pretty plants I found in my yard. There is something to say for buying in winter, and not knowing what will come up in Spring :)
And finally, a picture of my newest fish tank :)
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Four Jobs I've Had
1. Glorified Paper Pusher (AKA Administration)
2. Pizza Hut Manager/Resturaunt flunky
3. Sheet Metal Worker (yup my first job ever!)
4. I don't think I've had a fourth job actually
Four movies I could watch over and over
1. Ice Princess (ok so I am tacky)
4. Blazing Saddles
Four Places I have lived
1. Victoria Australia
2. Califonia (northern)
4. New York
Four TV shows I love to watch
2. Extreme Home Makeover
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Desperate Housewives
Four places I have been on vacation
1. Watkins Glen
3. I drove accross the country, but that wasn't really "vacation". We stopped at the Grand Canyon Though
Four websites I visit daily
4. yahoo mail
Four of my favorite foods
1. Mum's Roast Chook
2. Bell peppers
3. Corn pudding (YUM!)
4. Steak they way I make it- eat out places never get it right
Four places I would rather be right now
1. In Australia
2. With J in New Hampshire, working this crap out
3. On the beach, in the sun
4. In front of a jackpot winning slot machine
Friday, July 28, 2006
Every day I listen to NPR radio to and from work, and they are a great sourse of news information- on healthcare and laws, and debates about laws. Recently though, one of the biggest pieces has been about Iraq, Lebanon and Israel and the call for a cease fire. Usually I use this blog for personal feelings, and I suppose this one is no different, except that it's more of an opion than anything else.
Persoanally I support Israel is this whole conflict. I'm sure part of it is because I am Jewish, but honestly, that didn't even occur to me until I wrote that sentance. I feel that every nation has a right to defend itself (as our President says) and that both the rockets and the kidnapping of soldiers is too much to "let slide". From what I know of the historical perspective of the middle east, Israel has time and again shown itself to be both more militarily competant and more willing to back down. It's almost like they are flexing their muscles- look I can defeat you, but I choose not too. America is seen as pro-Israel, but I think that if the situation was reversed and Israel kidnapped and bombed Lebanon first and Lebanon responded, we'd be supporting them instead. I don't think it's an "Isreal stance" more of a defend yourself stance.
However, I think Israel is shooting itself in the foot. You can't deny that the bombing in the beginning was very effective. And true, it is hard to target Hezballa (sp) directly as they are hit and run warriors (as I call them). However, Israel is turning away any support they may have gotton from the local population and neighbouring arab states. By killing massive amounts of citizens they are making those who didn't take sides before now side with Hezballa. You can see it in the attitudes of leaders of Jordan or Egypt, who instead of siding with the US and Israel point of view, are calling more and more for a cease fire. Israel is not winning this war- and even if they do defeat Hezballa in this conflict, they will have opened the way for new groups to rise. No one likes a neighbour who kills friends and family, even in a time of war.
Honestly, I think that Israel needs to look at new avenues for defeating Hezballa without calling the wrath of the rest of their neighbours. Maybe they can call on Lebanon and ask for a joint armed force to root out Hezballa. Or even all the Arab nations. Maybe they could agree to stop the carpet bombing and only bomb a known and confirmed Hezballa location. Or offer supplies to those displaced and to help rebuild houses they distroyed. Honestly, the way this war has been seen by arabs as directed at arabs. Israel needs to show that it is not, and killing citizens is NOT the way to do it.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
I'm single again. I terminated a child to give J and I chance, and it seems that I may not get it. He says he still wants to do the councilling, but that he doesn't want us to be boyfriend/girlfriend right now. *sigh*
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Last night there was this big yellow envelope in my mail box from school. I looked at it several times before I opened it. Inside the envelope was enough to set me smiling for at least a little while.
The Deans Commendation for Outstanding Students.
Woot, 2nd semester in a row. Too bad it doesn't come with tuition money or anything!
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
These last few days I have found myself thinking more and more of Christina. For those who don't know, she was the 9 year old daughter of Michelle, the roomate Glenn and I had for a while. She was also like a daughter to me. I took her to school, helped with homework, occassionally fed her dinner. I went to school events, plays, helped at events. She's grown up to be a great young woman. I am sure that I was not a HUGE part of that, but I know I had some.
Thinking about her I know that in terminating this baby I've made a huge mistake. She was such a good child and I know, as much as she drove me up the wall sometimes I did love her, as I would have loved my child. I should have had this child.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Well the doc says that everything is done. No infection, no more baby. I didn't know weather to be glad it's done with or devestated all over again.
Friday, July 21, 2006
They threaten me every day. Standing close to the surface like a dam with huge cracks in it. I can laugh and smile and trade wippish remarks and it will be ok, but the second I am alone I feel it just below the surface and it takes all my self control to not break. Each time I walk past a pregnant lady or a baby I feel a terrible ache and the tears reach the surface for just a moment, until I can fight them back down. I should never have terminated. It wasn't worth this pain. And now I know that his promises were empty and he's betrayed the trust I put in him. I want things to be ok, I want him to be here tonight, but he says he's not ready to see me. I guess he doesn't realise how much I need his support.
God I need a break, please lift this from my shoulder for just a little bit. Let me find my feet again and not knock me down so much. I hurt all over and I can't dig myself out.
I don't want anyone around me, and yet I can't bear to be alone. I wish he understood.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Have you ever read a book where another book is mentioned? I'm not talking series, but seperate authors. Author A writes in their book and mentions something about the work of Author B. Usually crossovers take the form of just mentioning the title of the book, or the lead charecture quoting something from a book. Last night I was reading Into the Wilderness by Sarah Donati and I saw the BEST crossover I've ever seen.
One of my favorite book series is Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. Without giving too much away her charectures are Claire and Jaime Fraiser and they have a nephew named Ian Fraiser. Part of one of Gabaldon's book takes place in the America's during the War of Independance (Well we think so- it hasn't been published yet, though I have read excerpts from it).
So there is this section in Wilderness (which is set in the same time period) where the main female charecture is hearing a story about her new husband that involes him rescueing a young sick child during a battle. He talks about one of the soldiers he is with- Ian Murray. Ian helps Nathanial take the sick boy to the white witch- his Aunt Claire Fraiser and husband Jaime. I thought that was so cool! She didn't just quote the book or something, she included the charectures! At first I thought she had just used the name Ian Murray and that it was a fairly simple common name. But when she used the words White Witch (which Gabaldon uses all the time for Claire) I realised that she had "borrowed" their "lives" and put them in her book.
Yeah ok so I am a geek and I got excited :)
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Do you ever drive by someone's house and judge the person that lives there by the condition of their yard? Nice sloping immaculate lawns- not too bad off, not neat and clean- poor trashy people.
I was standing outside last night talking to my neighbour- guess what. I have a white trash yard. EEP! With school and work and everything that's been going on in my personal life I have yet to find time to venture outside much. With all the rain that we've been having the weeds are having a field day. I have 5 or 6 weeds that are almost as tall as I am. And that's just the front yard. In the backyard where I ripped up the old garden for the pond I now can't afford is a jungle of weeds. In fact some of them are pretty. But they are all at LEAST knee high. In fact, you almost can't see the lawn mower sitting in the yard.
Thank god that school is out as of Thursday. My first job HAS to be to get rid of those weeds in front. And then maybe I'll be able to get my lawnmower started.
Monday, July 17, 2006
I am surrounded by Baby's, Baby things and Baby news. I can't seem to escape it. I thought that sitting in an OBGYN office looking at pregnancy and expectant mothers while waiting for my turn was hard, but then afterwards....
We went to Walmart twice once for pads (Yuk!!) where I ran into a woman with a newborn who was also buying them, and the second time for pain killers and a thermoter when I saw no less than a dozen women with babies. J wanted some ice tea, so we walked towards that area, right past the baby section. Sunday, after J had left, I tried to go get some food and I went to Applebees, and was served by one of the most pregnant women I have seen. A table was sat 3 booths down, with a baby a couple months old. Today, I went to city hall to pay my taxes. Baby in his mothers arms. I come back to work, one of the residents tells me his wife is expecting.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Make it STOP please. The regret is like a stone in my belly even as the relief lifts the weight from my shoulders.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
I hurt. So deep down inside that I don't know where it is coming from. Regret. I never should have done this. I never should have terminated. I should have listened to my heart instead of my brain. But i know, I could not have had this child and have a happy life for us. I would never be able to give it the life it deserved. But that heartbeat haunts my dreams. In a way I am relieved it is over. There is no more fear of the unkown, the path I had traced formelf is again wide open instead of barred with a child to care for. But that thought leads to guilt and shame. But I must rely on my inner strength, I must not look back on what I now cannot change.
But I will never forget that heartbeat.
Friday, July 14, 2006
It's done. I went to the doctor this morning. He did the usual check up, talked about termination options, gave me the pamphletes to read, and then said he needed to do an ultrasound to confirm the dates. Sitting for the ultrasound I had decided to terminate. This was just the wrong time. School was my biggest deciding factor. And then the ultrasound. This little thing, probabley not more than 0.5mm. I could see it. Moving. There was no features of course, but what was worse to me.... a heartbeat. Faint. Almost not detectable. They had to do 4 or 5 rounds to be sure. But there was a heartbeat that wasn't in time with mine. Destinct.
I couldn't do it. I walked out and said "No I can't". I broke down when I got to the car. I swore to myself I would be strong, that I would do the right thing. And as I cried, I thought of all my reasons to terminate, and I saw the tears in Jon's eyes and I knew. He actually did understand. A part of him wanted this as badly as I did. But this was just the wrong time. So I walked back in. And I took the pill.
And now it's done.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
I guess it's not really more turmoil- it's the same dilemema as yesterday. Today I feel that I am leaning more towards keeping the child. But then I think about the reality of having a child. Can I deal with sleepless nights? Can I find someone to babysit so I can continue to take a class or two during my childs formulative years? I wish god had a magic red telephone that I could dial and see the future outcome of either choice.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
I am so agonised over this. It should be so easy to terminate. He doesn't love me that way any more. He doesn't want this child. I can't afford this child, I can't take care of myself let alone a baby. And yet I dream of a little girl with my hair and his eyes and my heart breaks and what won't be if I go through with this. If I carry this full term, he will feel obligated to help me raise it, he will hate me for making him do it. But as much as my head says in my own life, not just his, this is the wrong time for this, my emotional state WANTS this child. I'm thinking about cribs and diapers and waking up for breast feeding and not drinking caffine. I'm not thinking of D&C or Pills or suction.
Help me to know what is the right choice.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
I know there are a lot of people who read this blog who may or may not want to know the following information- if so, stop reading. There are many people who read this who I didn't want to know this information- but I have to write. It's boiling in my chest and my belly and if I don't get it all out I will explode.
I'm pregnant. 5 Weeks along around about. I am both exctatic and terrified. J is beyond himself with grief. I have never heard that man sob and beg so hard for something in his life- he does not want this child. His grandfather died this morning which makes his emotional state beyond comprehension. I know that everyone says I have to make my own choice- but how can I foster a child on a man I know has the moral standard to marry me and raise it knowing that he not only doesn't want the child, he doesn't really want me. I don't want to turn into my parents and divorce in 20 years. I don't want to get married to a man who doesn't want to marry me. And although I know in my heart I could do this alone I know how he is and he would not be able to do that.
Plus, honestly, this is a BAD time to have a child. I am struggling financially, I am barely keeping my head above water, I just got diagnosed with MS, I have a back surgery apt on Friday, and school, I'd be throwing away years of work and money. Having a child now doesn't make sence.
But my heart is not listening to sense. I have a CHILD growing in me. His child. The one thing I have desired for so long. I WANT this child. I want to know if it's a boy or a girl. I want to know if it will have J's blue eyes or my Hazel ones. I want to hold it and love it like I already do. Sure it's only been 5 weeks, and I surely can't feel it yet, but i can feel it in my heart and my soul and my consious mind. It's there, and the thought of removing it volentarily devstates me.
this is such a bad time to have a child, but I can't bring myself to agree to termination. I know having it is the wrong choice, for me not because of him although that has to be part of the choice. But every time i try to bring myself to do the termination..... I quiver inside and know- this is my CHILD. How can I do this. I've even started changing my behaviours. No caffine, careful what I lift, watching what I eat... it's like I am preparing to go full term
I don't know where to turn or what to do. One of the doctors at work said to me today (he doesn't know- due to an unrelated incident) "you have such a great maternal instinct- you'd be a great mother". That has been a thorn in my side all day. And another Doc whose wife I am very close to does know, and he feels I should have the child0 he knows how much I want one, and how good I am with his son. And my friend John said "Uncle John will make the crib" and my neighbour will give me free day care and another friend is offering me maternity clothes and baby clothes, and their is state aid and..... Oh god, just thinking it makes me want to try and raise this child. And then there is my ex who thinks I am stupid for even considering it and my mother and obviously his mother.
And J. I love him still, but will I ever forgive him if I terminate, and will he ever forgive me if I don't? He wants to do couples councilling, but will it be enough. I told him that the only hope we had for a future was if I came before the family, If I wasn't welcome he wasn't going, and he agreed to that. But, his grandfathers funeral is this week. And I am stuck being the bitch- you need to take me- and he's stuck not wanting to say no because he agreed, but not wanting to say yes because it's his mothers father who died and now her son got the woman she hates pregnant and he can't guarentee what she will do.
In the end- I don't know what to do. If J had said to me "Ok lets raise this child" I wouldn't be thinking of termination. I would do it. This is the hardest thing I have EVER done. And every part of my heart and soul hurts.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Why is it that some choices are so damn hard to make? You can see what you should do right in front of you, but what you actually in your heart feel is right doesn't fit that. How do you choose when either way you go you loose something close to your heart?
Of course people will tell me that life is cruel and this is life, but still- how do I choose?
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Wow it's been so long since I have posted. I have so much to update in this blog. But let me tell you about what happened today.
Since Katrina I have been a member of a group called NDARS (National Disaster Animal Rescue Society). I wanted to be associated with a group so that when (if) something happens again I can be called to go and do my part. Well they called me today and have asked me to be the coordinator for the state of New York. YAY! What this means is that I will be repsonsible for coordinating rescue efforts of the people in my state that are a part of this group.
I need to do the EARS training (which I wanted to do anyway) and finish the FEMA training but both of those were things I wanted to do anyway.
Plus, last weekend I talked to the Hudson Valley Humane society about projects for the Honor Society. They also mentioned they were looking for someone to help their Animal Cruelty office, which sounds perfect for me. Maybe when it's time for me to come to school full time I should go into animal work instead of staying at the hospital. Although that would be hard medically, ,emotionally it might be worth it.
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