Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Miss you 

It's amazing how someone can have so much, and yet feel like they are missing something. It's also so amazing how someone you have been away from, almsot as long as you have known them, can still be such an important part of your life.
In 1994 I met my best friend Lyndall. While we did not becom best friends until 1995, she has been a constant part of my life. We've been best friends 9 years now, and I have spent 5 of those years- in fact nearly 6 of those years, away from her, in America, while she resides in Australia.
With those numbers, it makes me wonder why we have remained best friends. I cannot tell you why. All I know is that she is the one I want by my other side when I get married. She is the one who will be "aunty" to my children. She is the one whom I trust with everything. And as I discover this person whom I have fallen in love with, she is the one whom I wish was around to share this feeling with.
Lyndall- if you are reading this- I miss you chicky. I just hope I can come home and see you soon!

Friday, April 16, 2004

The shame 

Ahhh.. the shame of showing your blog to someone, when you haven't written in it for nearly 4 months. What can I say? The lack of internet access at home really makes an impact on the things you do online. It seems that my last few posts have been meaning-less rambles about being in love with Jon. Sorry for that folks, but I guess when a feeling overwhelms you that much, you just can't contain it. But I promise not to ramble on today.... wait... what else is a blog for really?
As each day goes by I settle into my routine with Jon. We wake in each others arms, go to work, I come home, cook dinner, meet him at the door, we eat, talk, occassionally go out, go to bed in each others arms. It's a comforting routine. And I do love it. But I feel like I need more. No, no, not from him. I could never hope for anyone like him, I can't believe that he loves me! But I feel like my life is void.
I had a dream, a dream of being more than the office fluncky, whom everyone needs, but no-one recognises. A dream that I could get beyond the food industry and the administrative jobs that I am so damn good at, and yet find so damn boring. And so I went back to school. And I began a new path for myself. A path that liberated me from my past and those who had held me down. A path that led to a brighter future. But I have delayed that dream so that I could move in with Jon.
But it still lives on in me, I can still feel that dream pounding in each beat of my heart. I want it. I want to go to school, I want to learn, I want to study, I want to teach. I want to see history through the eyes of others, see other perspectives. But I am now being torn. Torn by the "domestic" dream that has slumbered in me for as long as I can remember. Marry, have children, buy a house. Not necessarily in that order.
So what do I do? Do I stay in an area I hate for the high paying administrative job? Do I give in and buy a house, settle with what I am now. Or do I challenge the dream, and go back to school, continue to have no money ever? How do I know which dream to follow???


Pages of Note:
The Words of my bestest bud.
My Aunt's Blog

EDJ's Blog
The rabble of film reviews- cinemablend


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