Saturday, November 29, 2003
It is weird when you think that a series of chances, and a single moment will change your life. As I sit here typing, I cannot help but wonder at the single moment in time which led to today. My cousin Michael's Bar mitzvah. I wrote about that while I was there. I don't know if it was a plan from some higher being, or just random chance that I was destined to be at that Bar Mitzvah. But it was that day that I met J. And thus my life was changed forever.
It is hard to think that the Bar Mitzvah was only 3 weeks ago, as it feels as if J and I have been together forever. We have talked twice a day since the day I left, and this week we have spent just about every moment together. So much of our time has been talking of the future- friends, family, marriage, kids. But until today I never realised how true our intentions really were.
Today, a lazy day after thanksgiving, we wandered through the crowded throngs at the mall, and window shopped. Tried on a few pairs of pants. And then, we tried on- or rather I tried on- rings. Yes my faithful reader, we looked for rings. I did not think much of it, enjoying the chance to look and talk about what we liked and what we didn't.
Sitting on my dresser tonight is the pick-up ticket for an item I never thought I'd recieve, especially after less than a month dating. Today, I recieved an intent, a promise, from my beloved that speaks louder than any words ever will. Today I recieved a promise ring.
No, it is not an engagement ring. It does not mean that we will be marrying any time in the present future. But it does mean that I need to take him home soon to ask my parents for my hand (he's old fashioned what can I say?) And it does mean that this man intends to marry me. And my acceptance means that I intend to marry him.
I wrote before, asking how you know if you are chasing a rainbow, or holding something real. Well now I know. When that time is right- you know. No doubts, no worries, this is it.
Thursday, November 27, 2003
I am sitting here writing this post while my boyfriend sits on the phone talking to his family. Today is thanksgiving, a day to think about everything you have and to hopefully realize how lucky you are.
The last few days here with Jon have been the most incredible of my life. We've done the typical things- had a very romantic dinner date, walked on the beach, talked the night away.... but it's the small things he does that makes this so different and amazing. The way he smiles at me, the sparkle in his eyes. Yesterday, as I was cooking dinner, working together, him washing the dishes as I dirtied them, gave me an insight into the domestic harmony we already share. I can't wait to see what the future holds.
Friday, November 21, 2003
Now I know most people who read this blog are people close to me, people that I know and love, so I just hope that my musings today do not cause you concern or worry. They are the questions of the soul, that I cannot answer.
Just a brief 3 weeks ago (holy crap it's been 3 weeks) I met a man named J. Still recovering from a heartache, I was not looking for a relationship, and I was certainly not looking to date anyone. I was happy to be single for a while. I just wanted to live my life, study hard, work hard, and maybe go somewhere for a change. Surrounded by my family, I felt a peace in my soul that I have not felt in a very long time. I knew that I was going to struggle for a while, but I also knew I was going to make a change. I was going to move East, I was going to be closer to those I love. And everything would be alright.
And now this.
As I sat there at the table, colouring with my cousin, talking with my Aunts and Uncles, I looked up and there he stood. Surrounded by my family was the last place I thought that I would find someone. It took all night for us to finally meet, and then a mere few hours for us to realize that we both wanted to get to know each other. The next day, surrounded by my family yet again, we found ourselves time and time again drawn together, and although we did not touch or speak, a connection was born.
Since that day nothing has been the same. I have been so hurt so recently that I have been afraid to give my heart away again. And yet, I find each day that he has creapt further into me. I cannot help but love him, and I find that it is the most natural thing I have ever done. Our daily talks have covered every imaginable subject, and yet there is one we return to time and time again.
A blank slate, yet to be drawn. The future holds any number of possibilities. Anything or nothing could happen. And yet, since the day he first said he loved me, and the day I first said it to him, I see one image sketched in on that slate. Standing in front of him, holding his hands, looking in his eyes, and making that ultimate commitment. This image scares me. This man is a veritable stranger to me still. As I am to him. And yet...... I cannot shake this feeling of just.... knowing.
Is this just my heart and dreams running away with me again? I do not know. I cannot answer. All I know is that when I finish this blog, go to bed and close my eyes, that image will yet again appear. Knowing also, that similar thoughts have run through his dreams as they do mine.
So I wonder. In this sea of people, and through the heartache and the dreams, and the rainbows you chase... how do you know when you really hold the truth? How do you know you have found that other half of yourself?
Monday, November 17, 2003
On another note... I FINALLY fixed my template :D Here is to small victories.....
I don't ever remember growing up and saying "Mum- I wanna be a workaholic when I grow up." Nope. I don't ever think I said that. (If I did- Mum please explain why you did not kill me then!) So I wonder how it is that I have now found myself waking up to the fact that I AM a workaholic. Yes faithful readers. I am in need of some serious WA (Workaholic Ananymous).
I have always been a hard worker. I always give everything I have to my job. But I had always put it down to the fact that I was a contractor, that I was proving my worth, etc. etc. I never really woke up to the fact that I was neglecting my social life for a job- I didn't have friends anyway right???
So I am sure you are all sitting there asking- and how did you realise you had a problem? Well I didn't really... and part of me still doesn't. Yet again, I explain it away by saying "Well Jeff [my boss] is just struggling right now. I will help out until he get's someone else" or "I am broke, I could use the money."
Next Saturday, my boyfriend is arriving from Maine. He is neglecting his family so that he can come spend a week with me over thanksgiving. We have this mini trip planned, where we are going to Lake Tahoe to have a romantic evening and to spend the night. I finally realised I had issues when I was scheduling some work activities on the way to and from our getaway. EXCUSE ME?!? What the hell am I thinking?????
I guess luckily for me he is as much a workaholic as I am and will understand, in fact I may even put him for work. But I still pose the question to my readers...
Is there really a cure for workaholism????
Friday, November 14, 2003
I know it is no longer Veterans Day, but I was thinking about this back on the 11th and I really felt it important to share with the world.
I remember growing up, how important the 11th of Novemeber was, without always really understanding why. I grew up in Australia, and while we don't call it Veterans Day, the 11th Day of the 11th Month is still a day where we remember those who fought and fell.
Maybe it's because I was younger then, or maybe it's because I have studied so much history now, but I feel like the American version of Veterans Day has been tainted by current political beliefs. As a child, I remember standing at 11am, to observe a minuete of silence, to think about those who have gone before and the sacrafices they made. One year, I was working in the city on this day. At the heart of a middle intersection, the entrance of a train station, across from the State Library, down the street from a college- basically in the heart of town. I very vividly remember stepping outside right before 11am, watching the bustle and then WAM. The clock struck and it was like a freezing spell had been put over the city. The Trams and cars stopped in the middle of the street. People stopped walking and talking, sound died. It was a ghost town- even though it was still filled with people. It gave you a feeling of what it would have been like in any town in Europe during WWI and 2, deathly silent. A minuete later... with a whoosh... the city started up again. It was as if nothing had happened, and yet, in that brief moment, I felt a connection with those who have died fighting for their country.
That is what veterans Day is about.
It's not about talking about the War on Terror or Bin Ladin. It's not about talking about our own soldiers. It's certainly not about how great America is, because god knows I could tell you a few "terrorist" like things that America has done- and still does (Indian extermination anyone?). I heard a radio broadcast on the 11th, basically talking National pride, how great America is. Lets wipe out terrorism. I am not saying I hate the US... dammit I live here. But this struck me so raw on this holy day for those who have fought.
It's about ALL soldiers. Theirs, ours, yours. It's about those who have died and those who still fight today. It's about the fact that these men and women get up every day, and do what has to be done. They don't make the choices or descions. They follow their orders.
I don't care if that soldier is American, Australian, Israeli, Palestinian, Russian, German, Italian..... it does not matter. We are all human, and in the game of war, we all die. No matter what uniform we wear. And THAT my friends is the point of Veterans day.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
I am sorry poor Blog. I have been neglecting you shamelessly. These last few weeks have been nothing if not insane.
This last weekend was the WORST weekend I have had in a LONG time. As I last wrote in my delirium, I was getting sick. Friday I peaked with 102 Fever before I made it to the doctors. Thank god I had called a friend to drive me there. I would never have made it. He diagnosed me with the flu and sent me on my way with a bottle of extra strength tylonol. I slept most of the day away. Saturday I was struggling with my throat being very sore, to the point of not being able to swallow, but on the advice nurse's advice (well that's what she does!) I gargled salt water every 2 hours, sprayed copious amounts of throat numbing stuff, and just attempted to drink some hot fluids. By 4am Sunday I was in agony, I was drooling all over myself and by this point hadn't really eaten anything in 2 days. I went back to the doctor, who decided to inform me that I did NOT have the flu, I had tonsilitis. Oh yeah. NASTY. So they finally put me on antibiotics and on the road to recovery. The worst, or maybe the best part about the whole experience, is that between my visits on Friday afternoon, and Sunday morning, I lost a nice 5 pounds.
Monday morning I stumbled into work, to the tune of "You look like shit!". What the hell did they expect? I hadn't eaten in 3 days! It was hard for me, being the workaholic that I am, being out of work sick for 3 whole days. I'll be the first to admit that working Monday physically kicked my ass and I was EXHAUSTED, but I couldn't image staying out any longer. I think it was hard for them to think of me sick. I've worked there a year and never called in before.
So anyway, I feel MUCH better now, even if I am still not 100%.
On a more positive note....... 10 days!!!!!!!!
Yes, most of you who read this already know that J is coming out in 10 days. But I thought I would just share it again. I am so wound up about the whole thing, I just want everything to go well. It's going to be weird having my new boyfriend sleeping in the same house as my ex boyfreind. Oh yeah. Talk about tension. I think everything will turn out ok, but that doesn't reduce the stress level now! Seeing as I have no more time off, what with using the last of my vacation for Halloween, and the last of my sick time this weekend, I have to work my work sechedule in such a way I can spend a lot of time with him. Sucks having to work. At least we are closed Thanksgiving Day. Still not sure if I am going to attempt a Turkey or not. We will see. My friends may be planning a get together thing, so we will see what happens there.
I had so many thoughts I wanted to write. About what I think of Veterens Day, about SAT's and so much else, but I think I must leave it for another night.
Friday, November 07, 2003
Last night I started to feel unwell. Slightly feverish and a sore throat. No big deal I though- I will sleep it off. How wrong I was. This morning I have woken up with a 101 fever, a headache, sore throat, chills, you name it. I have actually called in sick to work- a first for me- the workaholic.
At this point- I just want to talk to my mummy and have it all better. Damn this country difference.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
Tonight I dreamed a dream......
It is hard to believe that life can be as amazing as it has been this last week. I am still working too hard, and I think I am getting a cold, but no matter these negatives, I feel like I am floating in a world of bliss. Strange to think how people can have such an effect on those around them.
My application to Brandeis is in. My SAT's have been taken. I feel a pure ray of hope, that it will all happen and I will soon be stepping out for a new journey to the future.
And who knows- maybe I will have someone to walk by my side.
Wednesday, November 05, 2003
New beginnings are so wonderful. There is nothing like the discovery of self, at the same time as discovering someone else. There is so much I want to write in this blog tonight, but at the same time, the feeling is still so new and fresh, I want to hold it to myself like a freshly pressed blanket, warm and comforting.
Everything in life happens for some reason. Those who have come into my life recently have taught me so much about myself I did not know, and for that I am so thankful. The last few months have been a rollercoaster of joy and pain, and I am never quite sure what tomorrow will bring. But for now, I am enjoying this plateu of joy, and hope that it lasts a long time.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
Wow. I forgot how much travelling can take out of you. Chicago was all fogged in today, which means they closed a runway. You never realise how many planes are needed in a day, until they close a runway and they can't get the planes in and out. The worst thing, is nobody knew just WHAT time you would be getting off the ground. I had to change gates 5 times, and had my departure and arrival time change about a million. So my 4.40pm flight FINALLY took off at midnight. The worst part is my cell phone had died, and I was not able to update my ride on what time to get me. He had to wait an hour in Oakland- and he has to work at 5am. I felt so guilty. However, United really pulled through. They did everything they could to keep us updated, gave us food on the flight, and were really very pleasant about the whole thing. I also got an AMAZING pilot. I have flown probabley 300 or so planes in my life, and I have NEVER had a landing as amazing as I did tonight/this morning. Ususally you feel the wheels hit the tarmac. Sometimes that a hard bump, and sometimes it's a gently skid sound. Tonight, there was neither. It was so smooth, that I didn't realise we were even on the ground until I saw the wing flaps go up and the plane slow to a near stop. Even though I had delays this time I flew AND last time I flew, both in excess of 5 hours, I will still fly nothing but United.
Anyway, all in all I had a great time this weekend, hated to leave. I must hit the sack now, back to our regular broadcasts tomorrow.
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Ahhh. I love vacations.
I went out last night with my cousin Tommy, his girlfriend Allison and their friend Jon. We went to this small club here at downtown. Ow wow the music. They had two different sections, one with the oldies- 50's to 70's and 80's music, and one with more modern dance music. Oh my lord I danced all night long.
That combined with those splits I ended up in yesterday- boy my legs HURT today! lol.
But it was worth it. The lights flashing above my head, closing my eyes, feeling the music flow through me, moving my body of it's own will. Heavenly bliss. I have GOT to go dancing more often when I go home. David- if you do not take me dancing at least once I am going to get upset! ;)
We just finished brunch, and we are headed to the Cider Mill. Best donuts in the world lol. Cider is ok too.... but it's tradition to go watch the cider being made and the donuts, and you get some to take home. I didn't make it last time I was here because it was closed. It's a family tradition so I am pretty excited. Later on we have a "pizza football" party at my Aunts. I'll probabley go hide lol.
Anyway, I must go find a heat pack for my legs.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Wow. What a trip. I slept through most of the flight, seeing as I only had 3 hours of sleep the night before I am not surprised. I managed to score a window seat each time, so made it much easier to sleep.
I had forgotton how much I love upstate New York, until I started flying into Syracuse airport. This time of year the hills turn golden yellows and oranges, and there is nothing but waves upon waves of color. So peaceful. I took about 2 rolls of film out the window, so hopefully I get some REALLY cool shots.
It was wonderful seeing my family again, and let me tell you, it is a MAJOR confidence booster when the first thing out of everyones mouth is telling me how wonderful I look and how much weight I have lost. I mean, I know I have been loosing weight, but I didn't really realise how much until now. I saw them all in May, so only 6 months ago. I feel SO great about myself.
There is so much to tell and so little time.
The Bar Mitzvah was amazing. Michael, bless his heart, did an amazing job. He got the giggles near the end when he gave his speach, which in turn gave it to the rest of us. I turned over to see Babchi crying as she laughed and it was just so amazing. I will say, the best part of the ceremony for me, again, was the handing down ceremony. To see Dzedziu, his hands shaking, passing the Torah to my aunt, and then to my cousins. I can only think of everything that has happened in the past to make this possible. The passing of tradition from one generation to the next. It makes me realise how much I want to Bat Mitzvah before Grandpa passes on. I want to be there with him, to take the tradition from his hands. I may just have to do that.
The dinner afterwards was incredible. Homemade chips (Oh so bad yet so good), pastry chicken, homemade mashed taters, the whole nine yards. The DJ was pretty good too... got both adults and children on the dance floor- but then that is not hard with my family- we love to hamm it up. We actually had this neat reverse limbo thing. We had these bottle caps on string with velcro on the front, and we had to lean forward, hands behind our back and pick up a piece of cardboard with velco. The stack got lower and lower. It was tough, but I actually made it threw- in an unfair competition with my cousin Adam- who can do the splits. I made it to floor level, where some smarty told me to take off my heels seeing as they made me taller- well what do you know, I slipped into the splits and fell on my face. OW. My legs are gonna hurt tomorrow.
Anyway, I must sign off now, I am heading out with my cousin Tom, his girlfriend and a friend of theirs. Love you all!
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