Monday, February 27, 2006


I am typing this in the heat of dispair, so in many ways it would be a blog that may or may not make sence. I do not often truely fully open my heart on these pages because I do not know who will read them and offer uneeded sympathy or advice, but I have the urge to reach out and make things seem normal again and writing seems the only way. I am up late tonight, trying to finish a paper that is due tomorrow, and I recieve a text message from my one and only- Jon. I figure it's him saying goodnight- it's late he has to be up ealry, and I am surprised, he never texts me. The dizziness from yesterday has not gone away and the pills the doc gave me is not helping yet. The room spins more as I read the message- I think it's over between you and Jon. I see stars before my eye as my world explodes. I try and think it must be a joke, Carl or Squeeks maybe, it does not seem Jons style..... but then my rational mind crashes. Over? I call- no answer. I text a flippant message. I can't stop myself I am spiriling into obsessive freak-out girlfriend mode. I text again. Call.... god... 10-20 calls. I know I must find comfort, I must know. I call John (my ex) I figure he will be awake, and as much as I know Glenn cares about me he will offer unwanted advice and "I told you so" I don't need that. I need a friend to hold me as I cry trying to sort out what is real. I don't have anyone like that. John listens while I sob.
I spent Saturday night in his arms. He held me Sunday, asked my advice. and today this? ANother text comes in. "I think your bf is hot" and another "Can I take him home with me". This has to be some sick joke. But I can't get him on the phone. Did he leave his phone at carls? Is he trying to play off this first message. I don't know.
Through it all the world spins lazilly- Horizontal Vertigo the Doc called it earlier today. Am I crazy?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Hurricane Katrina 

Frustration. There is no other word to describe how I feel each and every time I hear about Katrina. The week I spend there was the best- and worst- time in my life. I was finally among like minded souls, people who felt as I did, and were doing SOMETHING about it. I was trying to explain to my Aunt and Uncle why I was so irritated that my job would not give me unpaid time off so that I could go back. They didn’t understand. They tried to spin the positives- your job needs you, they like having you work there blah blah blah. None of it matters to me. I didn’t go because I needed this job- I have a house and obligations now I can’t just risk it all on a whim. Although in a way it wasn’t a whim. I have never felt so completely impotent before.
Last night I was watching a special on the National Geographic Channel about Katrina. How everything went wrong. I don’t know how much they left out (I know they left out the animal situation) but I place the blame squarely on the Governors shoulders. The federal Government wanted to help, she did not want to give over control. FEMA couldn’t get in at first due to the water. There was no mandatory evacuation. So many small things went wrong, and it turned into a big mess. Here I watch this show, the aftermath, the boats floating by a drenched dog, a cat sitting on a roof, and I feel devastated. I should BE there. I shouldn’t be here worrying about getting to class on time or how much gas I have left. I could be making a difference and the fact that I am tied by a company that won’t give you unpaid (yes unpaid) time off makes the bile rise in the back of my throat.
I have nothing to give, no money to spare, no extra clothes or food. But I have time, and I hate the fact that I can’t make that descion for myself.


Pages of Note:
The Words of my bestest bud.
My Aunt's Blog

EDJ's Blog
The rabble of film reviews- cinemablend


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