Thursday, March 09, 2006
It's hard to know sometimes if the symptoms you feel are truely as bad as the seem. I've been having a rough coupla of weeks the issues with Jon aside. Friday the week before last I started feeling dizzy. Just a mild sense of numbness and tingling in the ears. The feeling you get when you get up too fast. I felt it again on Saturday, but didn't think much of it, I figured it was lack of sleep. But sunday- woahboy. Driving was torture, I couldn't stand it. Every move HURT my head. It wasn't like a headache, more like a motional pain. It didn't hurt unless I moved. I was with Jon and driving home was a real challenge- what normally takes 3 hours took over 6. Monday, employee health sent me home with Meclazine (like a Dramamine type thing) and said it was a positional vertigo- not much they can do about it. Friday, I was still feeling crappy so I went to my primary care. He gave me Valium, which should help me relax and try and let my inner ear settle. There was not much they can do for an inner ear thing. So I took the Valium, relaxed and started to feel a bit better.
Now of course I can't take the Valium at work, so I have not been, and today I feel like I have been hit by a bus. My head hurts, I'm hyper-sensitive to noise, my eyes hurt, but I don't really have a headache. Each time I try and stand up I fall over. Anyway, I called my Doc back- it has been a week since I saw the doc last.
He is refering me to a Neurologist. That freaks me out more than a little. Am I blowing up a little bit of vertigo? How do I know? All I know is I hate this feeling and want it to go away.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Well the dizziness has finally partially receeded. I have "Benign positional Vertigo". Like there is anything benign about walking into walls. Seriously. The Doc proscribed valium, which helped a LOT. I spent the weekend with Jon in Boston- aquarium, walking around, there are bits I don't remember, but overall it was a very nice peaceful day. It must have been cold as I am really windburned on my face and lips, but I don't remember it.
Anyway, things with us are not cut and dry. It's obvious that we don't want to be apart- he couldn't stop hugging and kissing me all weekend. It's also obvious that I can't get sucked into last week again. So I have to draw that line in the sand and hope that we are strong enough to stick to it.
Quisquid fortunae sui faber est.
(I just hope I have the right word....faber)
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Yeah I know my last post made no sense. Thus I am leaving it as is. It perfectly represents the way I felt. The confusion, hurt, anger. No Jon did not send the text message. However someone did. And it's opened the vortex of hurt that has safely been held behind closed doors for so long. For both of us. The fact that I didn't trust him enough to know he didn't send it- the fact that I didn't trust in the relationship enough to not believe it. He's finally realised that living 2 states away is not working. So what do we do? I don't know. We don't know.
And as this all goes on my answer of self has gone. Disapeared into the vortex. Why am I here- in this country? Why do I make myself get up every day. Why am I working 2 jobs and banging my head against the wall for school. Each day I wake up and I just don't care. No I am not suicidal, just desperatly unhappy. I miss Jon. I miss having him in my life. But do I have the strength to let him go? Neither one of us wants this to end, but we can't keep going the way we are. I don't have any true connections anywhere. I feel like floating down a river in a dingy, waves washing at the sides and I don't really care where it takes me. I need to seize the paddles again, and I just don't know how.
I'm not strong enough.
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