Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Well I took the job. It's a good opportunity, and it's almost $2 an hour pay raise- very handy. I need to be able to graduate from school, and in the end if I hate it, I can always find something else. So as of December 8th, I'll no longer work in Pathology.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Remember that job I interviewed for? Well I got it. They want me to start in 2 weeks, Dec 11th. I fell very wary about this job, I know that I am going to absolutly hate it. Don't ask me why, but I know it's going to be tedious and I am going to want to quit. I love where I work now, the people, the job, and especially my responsibilities. I don't want tedium. However, this is a great opportunity. School during the day, a little more money, maybe even study time. Plus Path will give me plenty of overtime a week. It's all win win- so why am I so hesitant to take the job?
In high school I learned how to paint with oils. There was rarely a time when I was not painting something either at home or school. There is however a negative side of this that I just discovered tonight. I was putting primer on my porch columns and caps, knowing that it was an oil based paint. It wasn't until about halfway through when i was thinking of cleanup etc when I realised- I don't have any turpentine (mineral spirits for you yanks) in the house. CRAP This means that I just ruined my $7 brush because I have no way to clean it. When I was finished, I got out my 90% rubbing alcohol thinking that may work... no it was just stinky.
So my brush is ruined and my hands are raw from the scrubbing of a fingernail scrubber.
Monday, November 27, 2006
If time heals, why do I feel worse as it goes on? Why can I not move past this person who is causing me so much pain and anguish? He's not worth it. I'm better than this. My friends and family tell me this, and I tell myself this every single day, and yet when he called Friday my heart leaped, and when he didn't Sunday it plunged.
The thought that maybe he's already moved on brings back that horrible cold feeling that I felt when I found out about the cheating. And if he IS dating Lynn, in spite of what he told Danny while I was in the car, and he was sleeping with me, then he was cheating on her with me, which means he really did cheat on me.
So why do I still want him to call?
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Well two pieces of news from me today.
First, is that I have a job interview today. It's down in the ER as an ASA VI (I'm an ASA V now)- doing patient registrations etc. It's evening work, which means I'll be able to go to school during the day. While School IS my priority, a part of me doesn't want to leave Pathology. I really do enjoy my job here, and the people I work with, and I don't want to end up in a department I hate. So as of yet, I don't know if I want to get this job or not.
Second, is that they found 2 new lesions on my MRI yesterday. Both are 7mm, only one is enhancing. The good news is that the one up front is not as large as it used to be.
So that's my news today folks.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Mostly, I hate to shop. Don't get me wrong, I love buying stuff for my house (which is why I have so damn much of it!) but clothes are another story. Shirts, I can deal with, I usually find SOMETHING nice. But pants- I can try on 40 pairs and NOT find something that fits me properly. I have a big ass (BTW Thanks Glenn for saying it was nice), a belly (slowly shrinking), and hips, but no waist. There is rarely a pair of pants out there that actually fits over my tuchas (ass for non-Jews) that does gape at the back and is too loose around the waist. If I find a pair of "hipsters" They usually fall down, or I get "plummers pants" (ie showing crack). Last night I went to a movie with lori (I should have been studying) and she dragged me off to Gap (Where I bought 3 tanks for $15) and then to JC Penney.
I tired on a pair of pants- PERFECT fit. The FIRST pair. No back gaping, no sliding. And they were only $20. ANd then I tried on a second pair. A little higher than I like, but again- perfect. I ended up with both pairs for $40. Not a bad days' work.
I guess the fact that I spent my grocery money just means my waist will shrink a little faster :)
Friday, November 17, 2006
A - Available: Yes I'm Single
A - Age: 27
A - Annoyance: Waiting for people
B - Best feature: Breasts **However both Glenn and Gerard tell me it's my ass**
B - Beer: I don't drink
B - Birthday: 10 August
C - Crush: I don't know any more.
C - Car: Chevy Cobalt
C - Candy: Clinkers :) Cherry Ripe
D - Day or night: Night
D - Dream Cars: The one I drive now, or a BMW
D - Dogs or Cats: cats
E - Eggnog: Only with Cinnamon
F - Favorite color: Blue
F - Favorite Band: None
G - Gummy Bears or Worm: worms
H - Hair Color: brown
H - Height: 5'5" ish
H - Happy: I'm trying
I - Ice Cream: Caramel. Or those chocolate covered strawberry bites MMMMmmmm
I - Instrument: Like I am THAT talented!
J - Jewelry: watch and necklace.
J - Job: Glorified Paper Pusher
K - Kids: I want 3
K - Kickboxing or karate: karate
K - Kindergarten: Yes
L - Longest Car Ride: California to Maine in 3 days.
M - Milk Flavor: Strawberry
M - Most missed memory: Sleeping over with Lyndall.
M - Movie Last Watched: Um, Stick it
N - Number of Siblings: 1
N - Number of Tattoos: 1
N - Nickname: jennie, jen, Legna, Stinky, Legs
O - One wish: To make everything in my life right again
O - One regret: Terminating. Contacting his parents
P - Part of your appearance you like best: Shoulders
P - Piercings: Ears
Q - Quick or Slow? both
R - Reason to smile: Dog Adoption day
R - Reality TV Show: I don't watch any.
S - Song: always changing
T - Time you woke up: 5:30
T - Time Now: 11:09am
T - Time for bed: I wish.
U - Unpredictable: Probabley
U - Underwear: Bikini
V - Vegetable you hate: tomato
V - Vacation spot: Anywhere but here
W- Worst habit: Impulsiveness
W- Where are you going to travel next: Hopefully home
X - mas- I wish
Y - Year it is now: 2006
Y - Yellow: Warmth
Z - Zoo Animal: The Big Cats
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
These last few days have been the wierdest of my life. Many of you read this blog daily and have probabley read the blog that I wrote and have since deleted.
One of my biggest failings in life is my impulsiveness. There are times when it has held me in good stead- like when a great job came my way and I took it, or when I met J and decided to move in with him. That being a good thing being debatable right now of course, but at the time it was.
But my impulsiveness can take me bad places too. Like this weekend.
Thursday night J called me, just to talk. Ok that was a surprise. Friday he called again. He wanted to see me Friday, but both of us had prior committments. So he organized to change his plans for Saturday, and I shuffled mine around and he told me to call him when I got to Boston. This was my first impulsive move I shouldn't have made.
When I got to Boston I called him, and he told me to just go home, because he had not cancelled his plans. I got angry. I mean I had PLANS in Boston on Sunday, I didn't want to go home and then come back again. I had shuffled things around for him, and he didn't have the courtesay to call and cancell in the morning. So I convinced him to let me stay the night while he was out. This was the second move. I should have gone home.
After he left, I felt just like I felt for a lot of our relationship. Abandoned. Left Out. Hurt. I started to walk around his house looking at things, remebering. I noticed that my number was no longer pinned to his bulletin board- even though I've changed my number, that thing has been there for years- since the night we met. That hurt seeing it gone. As I was heading back down the stairs, I noticed a journal on the floor. Opening it, and reading it was my third mistake.
Inside was details of other women. Details about dates. Kissing. Sex. There is so much truth in it, details about me, that there is no reason for me not to believe. The pair of shoes that Katy left behind when she and he boyfriend stayed. Except in the journal he was sleeping with Katy. The weekend he was meant to go back and help his Dad with the garage and I took him to the train station. He had a date with another girl. "Little did Jen know the real reason I was going". My whole world crashed. I didn't know what to do. So I ran. I took the journal and went to a friends. But on the way I made my fatal mistake. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to punish him. So I called his parents. I told them he'd been cheating on me. I should never have done that.
Evetually I went back that night. To give him back the journal. Because he wanted to explain. He says the journal is not true. He says he was doing what I told him to do- embellish on his life to practice his writing (which I DID do). I called Tom, my cousin and his friend, and Tom says that there never was anyone else. I don't know what to believe. Looking at J that night, I did. I believed him. Leaving I believed him. Now, I don't know. I don't know what to think. I do know that he will never talk to me again because I got his parents involved. So again, I get hurt and it gets turned around to be my fault.
I tried to just go on on Sunday. I went to Breakfast, and a movie. Gerard tried. But it crept up on me. This cold, hollow feeling in my chest and stomach. The same one I feel now as I type this and every time I think about J. When I left Gerards, I went back to his house. He wasn't there, I am not sure if I wanted him to be or not, and I left a letter in his mailbox. And then I drove towards home.
As I drove, I felt like this cold feeling was suffocating me. My stomach was churning, my heart ached, and a thought popped in my head, or rather an image. Sitting on my bed and writing out a will. I don't have one and that has stopped me once before. Writing a will, and then how easy it would be to take something, go to be, and never wake up. I could FEEL that impulsiveness creeping over me. "No one would believe you'd do it- prove them wrong." "Talking about it means nothing, that's just trying to get attention." These are the conversations I was having with myself.
I am NOT that girl. I am smart. I have a lot in my life. But by this point, J has crushed any sence of strength I have left. Luckily, the Lexapro must have been helping. Becuase I had a shred left. More than last time when my roomate coming home made me stop what I was about to do. I had enough to know I needed help.
SO I called Tonja. My roomate. Told her to hide my Muscle Relaxants and the Valium. Then I called the crisis center. I thought if I could get someone to talk to, I could talk out how I was feeling and it would releave the 'pressure'. But the 'talk' line was busy, and when I called back they told me to come in. And so I did. I ended up being admitted until Tuesday afternoon. It was enough time to condence what I was feeling, and take away the harmful impulsses, and I really didn't need the level of care that a phsyc ward provides. I'm home now, but not 100% sure I am ready to be here. I'm afraid to sleep at night. Afraid to dream of him. I don't like the cold feeling that I still get when I see his face in my mind. When my mind starts with the "what-if's".
I am going to take a hot shower now. There are a lot of you out there who read my blog. Friends, family. I wrote this blog for you. So you know what is going on. To tell you to go easy on me for a little while. Please don't ask me to talk about this. Because I can't- when I do, I get a horrible sensation in my gut and heart and I can't stand to feel that way. I know I need to let myself hurt, and I will, just not yet. If I need to talk, I will talk to you. I love you all.
And the worst part is. I love him too.
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