Thursday, October 30, 2003
Tommorow morning, 6am, I will be climbing on a plane to see my family in New York. I think I have mentioned this once or twice. I am so physically exhausted from work, that I am really really really looking forward to this vacation. I did a favor for the Tracy store and opened for them this morning. Thank god I did as the GM ended up in the hospital. Poor girl, everything is working against her. I look at her, and I am SO glad I demoted. I lost my day off for the week, but god knows I feel pretty good that I was able to be there to help.
I spent this evening at school, and spent some time in the photo lab trying to save the pictures I took on Monday so badly. I guess it's a good thing that I have killed a few rolls of film at this point, because I am getting great at the printing process. I am also learning that a photo taken at 2am, in a garage, in the back of someones car is going to be WAY too dark. I think I have printed it about 12 times now, trying to get the color just right... or should I say shades seeing as it's a black and white. I am about to give up on it. However I have managed to retrieve 3 other good ones, and they came out pretty spiffy. My appeture and shutter speed settings may suck, but there is nothing wrong with my composition skills. I'll post some pictures as soon as I get them scanned.
On another photography note, we had a guest lecturer last night in class. He an aviation photographer (basically meaning he takes photos out of planes). My god his pictures are incredible. Just some amazing scenery. This is his website: RJ Aerial The pictures he showed us are not uploaded, but you get some idea of the stuff he does. The coolest thing, is I got some information on getting a chance to give it a shot. Go up for half an hour to an hour and take pictures to my hearts content. I will have to make a few phone calls and dammit I must do this- what an opportunity!
Well that is all for the night. I must be to bed as I have a 3am wakeup call.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Ok... so the 2 hour essay strikes again. I finished it and it is good.... I hope lol. My dream college resides on it. Wish me luck!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I am procrastinating yet again. Damn you all for getting me hooked on blogging!
Thursday morning, 6am, I fly out to go see my family in New York (yay!)... however, before then I must write this essay on a risk I have taken and how it has influenced me. I have been trying to write the damn thing since August... and it's now due on Saturday (it's an entrance essay thingy). And I only have tonight to write it. Tomorrow, 8am, I must work *again. Tomorrow night I have my history class (Which I missed last week due to work so I can't miss it again), and I must be up at 4am Thursday...... damn time schedules!
And somewhere in there I must pack, and study for the SAT which I also have to take Saturday... damn me for not taking it in high school, never thinking I would go to college in the US.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Have you ever done something, and when you wake up the next morning really really regret it? No- I am not talking about intimate relations, I just mean in general. Oh sure- we've all drunk too much and felt it in the morning... but I am talking actions- words.
There are times we throw words into the air out of desperation, and do not realise what those words will mean in the long run. Sometimes out of anger, sometimes out of love or hate, sometimes just out of pure frustration, words will run out of my mouth that can never be taken back. It is so hard to let go of that, and to just shrug and say- whats done is done. For now it has been done. It was the right thing to say of course; but that does not ease the regret I feel this morning.
So just know, in spite of the words I throw, the light will always be left on for you to return.
Everything changes. Time flows like sand through my hands and I cannot seem to grasp any of the grains. It is 3.25 in the morning as I write this, and I feel that the last hours of my life have been some of the longest. It is strange how people will ebb and flow in your life. Some remain forever, and some blaze a trail across your heart, leaving behind a memory or two to sustain you.
The last few weeks have been a tide of people entering my life. Many new friends, and old ones rediscovered. Each one has helped me learn something about myself, some more than others. I have never been the easiest person to love, just ask my mother, or my best friend Lyndall, or my roomate. I am stubborn, hard headed, and reluctant to do something I don't want to at any given moment. But I guess those who know me well will always forgive me, for they know that I will do anything for another, and I genuinly care.
Sometimes I hate the fact that I give a crap. There are days when it hurts just way too much.
And for those who post the question- my love never ends.
Monday, October 27, 2003
Sometimes you need to take a moment to take stock of the small things in life. We are always so focused on the big things- I must go to work, He broke my heart, I must eat, The laundry needs doing- that we forget the small joys that come along now and then.
Like the smile of the child, recieving his free pizza for reading a book (talk about incentive!). The chatter of his voice as he tells you all about his favorites. The proud look of a father, watching his child learn love for something noble (the book you heathens- not the pizza).
The voice of a friend, who knows you intimatly, and who you know in return. Each nuance music to your ears.
The sparkle of laughter in someones eyes, no matter how ignomious the situation- nor how allergic you are to the space splattered all over your face.
The joy in being able to laugh at yourself.
The color of the sun as it sets, seeping along the clouds, looking to claim them with the red orange tinge, as if it is trying to grab on and stay in the sky as long as possible.
The joy of remembering times gone by, and the simple pleasures therin.
Knowing that love exists.
Remember the simple things my friends, and life will be grand.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
Ahhh- I must stop these after midnight forays into my computer. I keep getting sucked into my emails, and trapped in conversations with those I have not spoken to in forever. It reminds me of my childhood, when my parents would unscrew my lightbulbs to make me stop reading and go to sleep. How many children do you know whose parents try and prevent them reading? Mine did. It got so bad, then would take my lightbulb away, and do a room search for flashlights before bedtime. They never did work out that my alarm clock also had a light :D
Saturday, October 25, 2003
So i have spent the last... 4 hours?.. or so working on this great new design for this blog. Something I think really fits my mood right now. I get it all worked up in Dreamweaver (yeah I cheat) and have it all figured out how the tables will stretch and move, and walla! Upload it to find it doing funky things.
Here is what it SHOULD look like... I will fix it when it is not 4.30am!
On another note, *waves* to my bestest friend in the world. We get to speak so rarely.. so glad you caught me on tonight chicky! Here is to crayons in fancy restuarnts, doodles, pens, Peanut Butter and Cheese (still EWWWW), noodles and pasta.. and being 3 and 3 and 3 days for the rest of our lives! I miss ya so much....
Friday, October 24, 2003
I wonder where you are right now. I could use your guidence. I know what needs to be done, but I feel trapped- that I cannot make the moves I need to make. To save myself. I wonder how many others find themselves in situations like mine. I was so young and stupid. And stubborn. Always thinking that I could unbury myself, and that I needed no help. And now here I am- living in an unhealthy environment because I cannot afford to escape it. Knowing, that if I take the actions I need to take to unbury myself, I will be even further stuck, because nobody will rent to someone with an undischarged bankrupcy- and if I do not, I cannot afford to pay rent at any place, let alone afford food or anything else.
So please... if someone has seen my guardian angel... send them to me
The Silver Lining
It's been a long time since I have felt THIS good about myself. Surprising if you consider what has been happening in my life recently. It's been a really long few months for me, it feels like it has been years. I guess it has been years leading up to this point. But I digress.
So recently, as in the last 2 months, I have had my heart broken.... twice. Yeah I know- I am a sucker for punishment. I just can't stop myself from wanting to be with someone. I guess I hate the thought of being alone. Don't we all? It's always hard when you are being dumped, and seeing as I have only once ever in my life been the dumpee I am not sure how it really feels the other way around.
So today, completly PMSing and pissed, I went to confront the most recent heart wrecker. And I came away feeling like a million bucks. No- I did not kick his ass lol. We had a long talk and I learned something very important about myself from it.
As we talked, he said something, that it sounded like I was trying to sell myself to him... and I realised suddenly that I was. But the thing was.... it wasn't because of him. It was because under all that bravado, and that confident front I show to the world... I am a young child waiting for a nod of approval. I do not see my worths until I see them through the eyes of another. I needed to know that I am ok, and that I was worth something to people and to the world, and not just some shadow passing through. And standing there in that moment, and seeing that he did care about me as a friend, and he hated causing me pain, I realised that I was ok with this broken heart. That it was a good thing.
So thank you Dave- for teaching me finally how to see "joy is your sorrow unmasked"... and finding the joy within the sorrow. And though I may still cry a few tears over what will never be, it will be with a smile, as I will always have benefited from loving and loosing you, then to have never met you at all.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
So I sat down last night, and started to write. I felt like I had words flowing through my viens instead of blood. It's one of the reasons I started this Blog. I feel like here I can let go of everything that is stuck inside of me, it's refreshing. I am not sure anyone will ever read this thing, but I guess it is a place for those to get to know my inner soul. Anyway, I wrote this poem last night. It's not the best literary work I have ever done, but I think it expresses my feelings well. And hey- gimmee a break- I haven't written a poem in a while!
I wish he saw the tears
Falling as I drove away
But deep in my heart
I know hes better off this way.
He wants so bad to please
To make others feel good
But I really dont want him to love me
Just because he thinks he should.
It started out all wrong
We both went too far
And now I am here waiting
With the pieces of my heart.
All the small things he is
Have added up to this
But nothing can compare
To the power of his kiss.
It sends a shock through me
And speeds up my heart
It pulls deep in my soul
Inside Im torn apart.
For my soul cries for him
And what I think could be
But I cannot push the issue
For he does not feel that for me.
So I softly smile at him
And slowly pull away
Watching in my rearview
Wishing I could stay.
Yet as the tears are falling
Slipping down my cheeks
I cannot help but hope
That he will see me for me.
For his kiss still holds me captive
His smile still steals my heart
Every little thing he does
Makes up a little part.
The ease with which we talk
The comfortable silence we share
Each and every moment
Shows how much is there.
So even as I cry these tears
I sigh and gently smile
Knowing myself as I do
That I will wait a while.
Hoping that time
Is all that he requires
For him to find the spark
He so desperately desires.
There should be an unwriten law that the phone cannot ring before 8am. Especially if it is the workplace. Responsibilities are the bane of our natural existance. So yet again I have been guilted into skipping classes and going to work. Why do I feel I must always jump at thier command? It is my day off after all. Ahhh, but the damage is done.
So today I look forward to a 2 hour drive with the boss. An hour there and an hour back. It might make it worth it if I was able to take off for a bit and go see my muse, but I will not be able to. Such a wasted trip!
Do you ever notice when you write these things your thoughts jumping in about 20 different directions? I can think of 1000 things I want to write, but not a single one anyone would probabley want to read.
Has anyone else ever noticed how frustrating it is to set up a blog template? I spent about 4 hours on this thing last night. Amazing graphics, and yet, they don't want to show. I wonder if that is just my browser, or if I have done something amazingly wrong. It has not been THAT long since I wrote HTML has it? So much desire for perfection, and the code just doesn't want to cooperate. *sigh* I think I just might re-do the whole design instead. I have a bad habit of doing that. Never happy with a design.
Follow the footsteps of those whom I have come to know well in the last few weeks, I have started this journal with which to share my thoughts and ideas with the world.
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