Thursday, October 19, 2006
I was so afraid of today. Today was the day that J was meant to come over and I was so afraid of him not coming or calling. I didn't know how I would handle it. I was so anxious I forgot to take my "happy pill" this morning- I came home from work because I could feel myself getting worked up. Anyway, he did call around 6.30 while I was in class to tell me he wasn't coming and I did feel very disapointed, and I could feel it creeping up on me, so I called an old friend.
In the end today was a good day. I got to speak to Brad again. (An Old friend from CA). I got to speak to Lyndall (YAAAAAAAAYYYY) .....and then... I get to go to a Sabres game on Saturday!!!! I am so freaking excited. So I am still even keel :)
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I swear to god- EVERYONE at work is pregnant right now. Ameera, Stephanie, Colleen, Jackie and Cherif's wife. That's 5 people. I'd be about 19 weeks right now, meaning I'd be showing and at the point where I would find out my babies sex. Cherif's wife is at exactly the same time I would be- I am still not able to look at her. It's become at bit easier for me as time goes on, but I still feel the loss each time I see one of these women, with their little tummies.
Do I feel better right now because J is back in my life? Or is it because of the Anti-Depressants? I don't know, but I do feel better.
Monday, October 16, 2006
J called Friday. All week I'd been thinking about him, wanting to call him, to hear his voice. Afraid of rejection I didn't, but the thought seemed to obsess me every day. And then my phone rang. I think my stomach became one with my mouth. We talked for 2 hours and it was nice, just to chat, talk about everything and nothing. I mentioned that if he liked on his way home we could grab a cup of coffee. Sunday he called again, he wanted that coffee. He also wanted something else. I know he was thinking with his nether regions, and I told him right out that I didn't think I could go there. I didn't want to be hurt any more. He made it clear that to him it would be just sex, it didn't mean we were back together or anything. We organised dinner on Thursday- if he gets out of work early enough. And then... I caved. I know, everyone disaproves. About me even talking to him, let alone doing that. I'm headed for hurt again. And I know it.
Friday, October 13, 2006
These new drugs I am on makes me so fuzzy around the edges. It's like I'm in a cloud of some sort. I mean my mind is working fine, but I can't seem to connect between that and the outside world, like their is a veil. It's also making me sleepy. And it's not yet helping to ease the pain at the thought of what was and what never will be. Stephanie brought in ultrasound pictures yesterday. My first thought was- I wonder what my baby would look like now. Would it have been a girl? I'd know if I'd kept it. The fuzziness takes the edge off... but it's still like a knife stab in the heart.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
Why is it that he still has such conrtol over me. Why is it that when I dream of him, I feel a blackness, a despair in my soul? Why is it that I can't seem to move beyond this one event in my life? It's not like I won't meet someone again- I'm pretty right? But each person I meet, I seem to do my damndest to push them away. I I want to be loved... but..... I want to be loved by J.
Why is is that I have a burning desire to call him, even knowing he won't answer. Why is it that I want to write to him, even though I know he'll never read it. I want to reach out to him, I want him to know how much I am suffering over the choice that was made. Not the loosing him, although that is hard too, but the loosing of my hopes, my dreams, my child. It's like I am hollow, like I just can't see another day.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I feel like I am two different people right now. I am still the Jennie that people around me know and care for. I'm still a stubborn hard headed driven individual. I'm still a team leader and willing to go that extra mile. But I feel like there is a blackness inside me that threatens to devour me. I feel like nothing matters. I feel like nothing. I feel like just giving up.
Glenn says that this is not me. That this is not the girl he fought with for 5 years. John says he thinks I will be ok. Lyndall talks about the fact I can always turn bad to good. My friends all say that I am strong and that I will pull through this. But I feel like my strength is gone. That steel core I once had to draw on is no longer within me. There is nothing there.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Today was Yom Kippur. The Day of atonment. Every year I fast, not because it's Yom Kippur, but because I want to honor my granfather who starved for years. This year I felt angry. Angry at god for my life recently, and angry at myself for beingmad with someone who I am not sure even exists.
But today in temple, parts of the service touched me so deeply that I knew they were speaking for me. It was apologising for not loving enough, for not giving our children a chance, for not standing tall. It was granting forgiveness for those who have hurt us, and those we have hurt.
I cannot say that the pain is over, it's not. But today I feel a different grief, more calm, less desperate. I don't know if it will last or not. Only time will tell.
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