Wednesday, May 26, 2004
There is a safety in knowing that you are loved. That no matter where you go in the world there is someone always behind you loving you. And no matter how down you get, there is always someone there holding your hand. I have two such people. My best friend Lyndall, who at the slightest hint of my melencholy sent me a heart warming message of cheer, and tried to reassure me that no matter how I felt, being me was what I should be. No matter what, she is always there for me, and for that I will always love her.
And my boyfriend Jon. He is the pillar that I lean on every day. He is always there to listen, and though he doesn't always agree, he always makes me feel heard and understood. It is the small things, a wink across a resturant table, the reaching to touch my hair, the quick smile, all ways to show that he loves me and treasures me. He encourages me to be better, to do my best, and yet still loves me when I fail. He is the hand that reaches out to me when I stumble, and the one that lifts me when I succeed. I cannot imagine a time when I will not want him by my side.
Monday, May 24, 2004
Maybe it's because I don't know where I am headed in life, or maybe it's because I am ready to slow down, but recently I have lost all my motivation and I don't know why. Maybe the word recently is the wrong word to use. It's been happening for months. The last time I remember myself being really motivated was my last big semester at school (It was ending this time last year), and I guess I was a little motivated at the end of the year with work and everything, but I don't think I was.
These days, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to do anything. I mean, there have been times since I moved in with Jon that I've been excited about stuff, planning out a new recipee I am trying out on him, or him wanting to go walk on the beach. But last Friday, he took me out for dinner, and then wanted to take me dancing... and we where there... on the street... and I still didn't have the motivation to go dance. WTF? I love to dance. It's like that every day. I go through the motions, I take each step, and then I start all over again. It's like I could care less about life right now.
Oh sure, I still have dreams, and I am still planning things, weddings, houses, children, degree... they are all still there burning inside of me, but I feel like the motivation to achieve them are gone.
I want to go back to school, but I don't know how I am going to be able to afford it, Is it even possible? Will I have to go to night school for the rest of my life? So part of me says "Whats the use".... and more and more these days I listen to that voice- even if I don't reall want too.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
*sings* Moving, moving moving.
Sorry about that- I know my singing voice is bad. Well, the cards have finally played out, and Jon and I are packing up and moving to Albany. I feel like i have done this before..... wait I did.... 5 months ago when I moved to Maine. Holy crap.... it's been 5 months already. It feels like it was just a few weeks ago that I stressed and packed all my stuff for that last frantic move. At least this time I have Jon to help me, and I don't have the struggle of finding money for the moving truck.
And so begins our new adventure together. I am nervous about this move. I am beginning to like Maine- although I hated it so much during the winter. We are so close to the beach, and now that the warmer weather is here there is no humidity so it's a lot like home. When we visiting Albany, the humidity was oppressive..... I am SO not looking forward to that. But, I think the positives outweigh my concerns. I applied to SUNY ALbany, so I will hopefully be heading back to school. It looks positive me getting a good job.... so keep your fingers crossed! Jon and I even talked about buying a house in a year.... so it looks like the dreams are finally falling into place :D.
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