Thursday, September 28, 2006
Well the blood was negative. So I guess it's done, my hopes are dashed, and my dreams are gone forever.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
My best friend Lyndall says that I always seem able to take the lemons that life throws at me and turn it into leomonade. Well I am sick and tired of lemons. I am tired of hating myself for terminating. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of loving and missing J. I am tired of not being able to accept what 4 tests have told me.
Today was the final straw. What have I done in this life to not get a break? A car hit on it's breaks suddenly, the car in front of me had no taillights and guess what. The had to tow my brand new car. I haven't even done my first fricken oil change yet!! I am so upset and angry and just completly drained. How can I keep going at this rate. I need a break... something good in my life. I've had enough of the negative.
Monday, September 25, 2006
It's been a while since I've written here. In fact I am not even sure what I wrote last time. Instead of being cathargic I'm afraid to write here because the pain is so fresh and raw that I am afraid of looking like someone I am not. I was so cautious about writing about the beginning of our relationship and now I find myself cautious at the end.
Today is a bad day. What I write here will leave everyone who reads this shaking their head saying- this girl is a nut. And I just don't care. I'm beyond caring how the world sees me. Glenn says that I am stronger than this. That this is not the girl he fought with for 5 years, but I think I've honestly lost it this time. I don't have any strength left. John says that I am in desperation mode. I think he's right.
On Sept 1st, when J came to vist, we slept together again. I thought it was a way to win him back- and I was wrong. Instead I had my heart ripped to shreds, and I'm laying broken in a heap. Since he broke me, I have been hoping and dreaming that he had caused me to be pregnant again. Yes. I am a freak. If I was, i wasn't going to tell him, but I know I wanted him to find out. I had dreams of him showing up at the lake and meeting his 3 year old son. Or dreams of him showing up at my door becasue he's stuck in a snowstorm, and their being a Baby in my room. I've had variations of these dreams all month. I have tried to talk myself out of these feelings- school, work, but each night I beg whoever is out there to PLEASE give me this child. I feel the pain of what I did last time deep inside, and the regret is almost more than I can bear.
I've had some signs, peeing a lot, fatigue, but both of those things could be the MS. My period is now late, only by a day, so I took a test this morning. And I was crushed. Negative.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
I haven't written in a while. In the end it's because I have nothing new to say. I dream of a future that no longer exists. During the day it's easy to not think about it, to know that what was will never be again. I'm strong and stoic- I've been hurt before and I always turn out ok. But the nights are the worst. No matter how hard I try I dream of him, of seeing him, of talking to him. It's not as a girlfriend in my dreams. But there is always that- reconsiliation. Which I know never will be- when I'm awake. How could I have fallen this hard so quickly? And how long will it take before the pain subsides?
Oh and Lyndall- if you read this (as I know you do) read the letter and reply back to me will ya??
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Well J and I are done. Dead, laid in the ground, he never wants to speak to me again done. I forced him into talking to me on Tuesday, I wanted some closure and instead got more pain. (Yes Deus you were right). I don't know if he was lashing out because he was angry that I would even THINK that he said to my family about the baby not being his, or that I asked him about it. He says that he said that the actual words were "I'm pretty sure it's mine but you never know." Pardon me. As far as I am concerned that is STILL a betrayl. I mean really, how could he even entertain any POSSIBILITY of me cheating. In the end he didn't know me at all. He said a lot of even nastier things, that cut to the quick. I won't repeat them here, but I was more wounded then I let him know. I didn't cry or yell or beg. I just wanted to talk, and to get some sort of dignity at the end. I am still devestated by the 1st. I was so far on the road to recovery, and it all got wiped away with a single phone call.
The worst things is, I keep waiting for him to call again. Last night, Friday night, was the night he always called. 9pm. And last night I sat holding the phone, until 11pm, and I started to cry knowing I would never again see his name showing on that screen. How is it that a man can call me names and say that I would have been a terrible mother and that he would have taken the baby away and I still want to be with him? I still want him to hold me and talk to me and love me? My shrink says my ability to forgive is hurting me now, and I can't help but agree with him.
But I know too, I am not ready to move on. I am not ready to strike out into the world. Maybe it's self pity, but I want to hold on to this hurt and this love we had for so long.
Today, at the funeral of Allanna (my next door neighbours sisters stillborn child) I sobbed, not for their loss, but for mine. For the child I terminated and the man I lost. And for the fact, that in the end, he really didn't care.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Yes, I am writing a lot today. On the heels on this, my most painful heartbreak, I can't help but look at the men that came before. Why is it that I get so sucked in and hurt so often? Why is it that I can't see my own pain until it's too late?
And why is it that I love so often after the end? ANd why is it that this time hurts more than most? Is it the child I terminated for him? Was it the hope I kept alive the whole time that he would come back to me? That it was my own anger at our situation that drove him away? Why is it that he can still hurt so badly???
My heart is hallow
There is none that
May step inside
Do you not see the warnings
Painted on the Walls?
Don't come any closer
For I may not be able
To ever let you go
Can you not see the pain
Etched in my soul?
Please wait right there
You're getting too close
Getting too far inside
Can you see past my pain
Pushing you aside?
Don't ever leave me
I want you and yet
My pain and fear still calls
Please help me rid
Of what can never be.
I made a mistake. A huge whopping can’t take it back mistake. I know the whole world reads this blog and I don’t care. Last week J called me, he wanted to see me. I invited him over. The long and short being that the way he was talking sounded like he missed what was between my sheets. So he arrived, I pull any number of strings to leave work early, and pulled him into my bed. Their was no weirdness in our touches, but there was in the air between us. I so badly just wanted to talk to him, talk about what had happened, the past. But I wanted him to miss me, and I thought my bed was the best way to do that. I didn't want to drive him away with my words.
And now, now he says to my family that he isn’t sure the child was his. Like it could have been anyone else’s. He says to me that he came because he wanted to talk, but now he just wants to move on. I killed the one chance I didn’t know I had. I had finally started getting over him, but the hope had bloomed in my chest when he called, and when I saw him. And now I am devastated all over again.
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