Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Well I finally found a new apartment to move into. It's not as nice as the one I am in, and frankly, I would rather not move at all. But I just can't afford the $700 that my apartment is now. The new one is only $500, but I have to pay for my own heat, which makes me very nervous. In fact, the whole thing makes me very nervous. The last thing I need would be for something to happen- car breaks down, I get sick- for it all to come crashing down. Money is going to be tight.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
I am not sure if I have written about this before- I don't think I have- but my parents are seperating. After 27 years of marriage my father has realised that he is not, and hasn't been for some time, happy. It makes me stop and think about my own relationships of the past. How happy have I ever truely been? Am I looking for a goal instead of just being happy with what there is, or truely looking at a person?
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
These last few days I have felt like such a whiner. My body seems to be the enemy these days. My legs keep cramping up, toes and shins and hips hurt. My back has hurt for a week, I'm tired. A couple of nights ago I got water in my ear that wouldn't go away and now I have a headache and a sore throat and my neck and shoulders hurt and I have a slight fever. I just don't feel good all over- I want to go back to bed.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Why is it that happiness is so darn elusive? Once upon a time I though that happiness was easy to achieve, and yet these days I feel it slipping further and further from my grasp. Last week was both heaven and hell for me. J was home a few nights and we were able to do the small things, eat dinner toghether, go to the gym, sleep in the same bed. That was the heaven part. The hell was him starting to pack his belongs in preperation for him to move.
God knows we have been talking about this for months, but now that the time is here I can't get my mind around him going. I don't want him to go. It's not just family, or the fact that he can't breathe due to the cats, it's the fact that I have become so quiet and complacent with the ways things have been and I have not spoken up for myself for the fear of him walking away.
I love him so much, and this is tearing me apart. I always swore to myself I would not be a pity date. That I would not have him stay with me if it was just because he felt sorry for me. I want him to love me with the overwhelming feeling that I feel. In so many ways I think it would be better if I let him walk away, let him find himself amongst the mess that his life has become. Work, family, me- all of it nothing but stress. But I can't do that- because of the way he holds me at night, the way he looks at me. He says he still loves me and cares about me, so how can I let him go?
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