Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Just as a follow up to yesterdays blog Jon and I had a LONG talk last night. We both aired a lot of issues and at the core of it is that we still both love each other, but neither of us is happy and we don't know how to fix things. So we are seperating for a time. We will live out our lease on the apartment, and after that Jon will move and we will take a month apart without communication. At the end of the month we will start again, and hopefully build the relationship back up to what we both want it to be. We are still not sure how to tackle the family issue, but hopefully we will find some solution.
Monday, March 28, 2005
How do you clear your mind when you know that the one place you can bear your soul is read by people who care about you and make take that cleansing the wrong way. Sometimes people just need to vent and get things off their soul and they may think and say things that may not be what the seem. Sometimes when you are in a situation you over react to situations and if you air the way you think and feel people think things are worse than they are. That said, this blog is not one that I am writing for my audience, it is one I am writing for me.
When Jon and I met, I expected nothing but a fling. That's all I wanted. I was going through a phase in my life where I guess you could say I was using guys and enjoying the fun I was having. Instead what I found was something that some people only find once in a lifetime, and many never find at all. In all the men I have dated and loved, I have never felt the overwhelming peace and rightness that I felt with Jon. All my life I had dreamed of a guy with certain qualities and Jon was all that and more. The first few months were a whirlwind of change, meeting, him coming to CA, the promise ring, me moving in- and all of the passion and excitment I felt I contained inside, afraid to be too hopeful and excited in case it all went bad quickly. I go back and read the blogs I wrote back then and I can't even see in the writing the extreme excitment and dizziness that I felt at the time.
After I moved in, life was like a dream. I felt like I had finally found home. Cooking for Jon at night, planning the weekend together, being held and holding him at night, setting up house. It was something I could see us spending our whole lives doing- I doted on him and he doted on me. And I still held a lot of that in, although I KNEW that this was the man I had dreamed of my entire life.
And now, everything has changed. We moved to New York and we started seeing more of his family, who has decided that they don't like me. I have spent every mojor holiday alone since last 4th of July (except for New Years, where I didn't even get a kiss at midnight) since I am not "welcome" at family events, and I am alone all week long. His work takes him out of town all week every week. In the year (almost) we have lived in NY, he has been home a total of about 2-3 months, which includes weekends. We used to plan our weekends together "what are we going to do"- now, it is what does Jon have planned and if I am excluded or not. I so tired of being lonely.
How long am I supposed to wait? I've told him how I feel and I think I have told him what I need, but how long am I meant to wait for him to make the choices he needs to make? My friends tell me I need to let him go- but how can I let go the most amazing thing I have ever had? I will never again find this feeling I have had with Jon, and so I sit here suffering, my heart breaking a little each day while I wait for him to come home. For the one night I will see him in the last 2 weeks and the next week. Hoping beyond hope that he will be there when I walk through the door, just so I don't have to wait any longer. And knowing, that he does not understand how hard it is to face every day, knowing that it is another day alone.
I am so tired of being lonely.
Friday, March 25, 2005
I wish just once that my coworker would wait for me to come back from whatever I am doing before she leaves for the day.
I wish just once that I didn't have to work 2 jobs to make rent.
I wish just once that my friend could be supportive without being critical.
I wish just once that I could help the people around me in the things they need most- especially the things that you can't buy.
I wish just once that I could go buy what I needed without pinching every penny I had.
I wish just once that I could change the rules of bankrupcy and what affect it has on those who have no other choice.
I wish just once that I didn't have to make so many sacrafices- loosing things that I love so that I can gain something else that I love just as much.
I wish just once that certain people didn't think that they still have a say in what I do.
I wish just once that men would think about things and how they will make others feel before they do them.
I wish just once that I could have Jon all to myself for one whole month.
I think I've used up my 3 wishes genie
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
What is it that gives us cravings? Food, drink, being touched, what is it about these things makes makes us want them so bad? Sure there is the whole pregnant/horemone/body chemstry thing, but what about people? How does a craving for a person work?
There are times when I like the life Jon and I have. He works out of town all week, giving me my "me" time to get done what I need done. I see him most weekends, and when I don't it allows me to do some extra homework, or see a movie or do things that I need to get done. But there are time, like now, when I absolutly hate it, and I find myself "craving" him. Not so much physically or anything, but just to hear him move about the house, smell him at night when we sleep, hear his voice.
Friday, March 11, 2005
Last night was an emotionally draining night. I drove down to Binghamton (bad idea when you are tired BTW- to plan to dive 2.5 hours and back in one night) to spend the evening at a viewing with my family. As most of you know, my grandfather was a Holocaust survivor. You probabley also know that he passed away last August, just a month before I was meant to hear him speak about his experiences. So a local group had put together a documentatry on survivors who had settled into the Tri-County Area (Binghamton, Ithica, Elmira etc.) There was also a display on Daniel, a little boy who survived- form the Holocause museum in DC.
As someone who knows about the Holocuast, learned things, saw picture and has read a lot about it the documentary was not all that distressing. It was definatly not a Shindlers List. You heard other members of the audience be upset by certain things, but it did not affect me that much. But what did, was seeing my Grandfather on the screen. The first appearance prompted a gasp from my Grandmother- a cry to see the man she lived with and loved for 50 years and who died so recently. We all were hit hard by that image and his voice. There were a few members of the audience who were looking at us sideways, not sure what the crying and fuss was about, and then they showed his death notice- which set us all off again.
My grandfather was a man who strongly believed in the need to continue teaching about what he went through, no matter how hard it was, and it was hard for him to speak about it. But I am so glad that even after his death he is still touching people- including me.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
I wrote this great blog before about affection and all that sappy crap, and my stupid web browser deleted it. So anyway I was saying that Jon is going through an affectionate stage right now. There is noting in the world like feeling loved and wanted, and I know nothing better then to come home and be hugged and wanted. Each morning this week I have woken up with Jon's arms around me, and I have never in my life felt any more satisfied with anything. It's like that simple thing, of being held by the man I loved, makes my life each and every day wonderful.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
I have a professor (not the one I wrote about last time!) who assigns a LOT of reading with his classes. This class it's 6 books, which is easier than last class (11 books! All over 200 pages), and while it is easier I learned from the last class that you always want to be slightly ahead of where he thinks you should be, or you will never get all the reading done. Now he tests on the readings, very easy, 4 questions which if you have read the work are very basic.... like what is under every chapter heading or what was he writing about or something equally simplistic. Your screwed if you haven't done the reading, but done in 20 seconds if you have.
So anyway, we have one of these tests last night on a portion of the packet of monk rules (Benidictine, Franciscian etc.). I've read the whole packet in an attempt to get ahead- so last night I am taking the quiz and I start second guessing myself. The questions are simple (like I said) and can apply to each rule. So I cross out what I wrote and wrote something else. It turns out that I wrote on the wrong section of the packet. Grrrrr.... that'll teach me to read ahead!
Friday, March 04, 2005
Death is a funny business. I don't mean funny ha-ha. I mean funny weird. It's strange how people behave when someone dies. Working with autopsy you see a lot of things that make you wonder. When Grandpa died, my whole family pulled together and we made descions together, repspecting both Jewish law and Grandma's wishes. Maybe it's because all the deaths I see are controversial or accidental that people are weird.
First there is the family fighting over weather the father of the deceased is allowed to know why his daughter died. Then there are people trying to get articles off (and out of) the bodies. You hear nothing but squabbles and legal wranglings of this family memeber shutting out this one, or trying to pull a fast one on that one. A mother not wanting an autopsy on her dead child, and the grandmother insisiting.
It amazes me, the thing people do after you are dead. You would think that people would pull together to find the answers of hwy someone died, and to share the grief amongst the family. Use each other for support. It's sad that it doesn't always happen that way.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Maybe I am just grouchy today, but some Dr just called me looking for a Pathology report, and he was sucking on a hard candy. All you could hear was the *slurp slurp clunk* of that candy in his mouth. I felt like saying- "call back when your mouth is empty". Jeeze. How can people be so rude???? So let me say it here- STOP CHEWING IN MY EAR PEOPLE!
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Students drive me crazy. Especially college ones. I was sitting in a sophmore level college class surround by idiots. Our teacher is going over the "style" of the mid-term next week (you know multiple choice a few short answer) and people are asking him questions about specifics- what topics, what questions, do we need to know this, do we need to know that..? For pities sake people you study everything that the teacher taught so far. Like it's so hard- he teaches out of the text book anyway. What the hell are American High Schools teaching kids? That teachers hand out exams before-hand? Students here are so damn lazy. You'd think once they get to this level of eductation (or should that be edumacation) they would know that they have to WORK for their grade, not have it handed to them on a silver platter. It's frustrating that these ignoramouses are preventing me from learning, instead I get to spend 30 mins listening to the teacher say "I am not telling you what's on the exam". ARG!
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
I HATE being sick. I am sure everyone in the world does, but I really really hate it. With school and 2 jobs and everything else I do I just don't have TIME to be sick. Jon and I finally had a weekend together and I wasted it in bed sweating with a 103 fever. I took a day off work yesterday, but I am here today- although I really wish I was home in bed.
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