Thursday, August 26, 2004
Bittersweat
Today was my Grandfathers funeral. It was both a touching and a sorrowful time. Most touching was the recieving line. Obviously I was ther greeting people as they came in- it took us over 2 hours and we still did not see everyone. There was no parking for 4 blocks around the temple, and a line out the door and halfway around the block waiting to speak with us. There were some patients of my Grandfathers, policemen, who came by, while on duty, to pay their respects, and then afterwards gave us a police escort to the cemetary- sirens and all. The love I felt from these people towards my grandfather was overwhelming, the community responce was incredible.
But it was also a sad time. A time for remembering a man we loved. Each time I looked at the plain wooden casket I broke down, especially as he was lowered into the grave. The single mint candy, a testament to the candy he always carried in his pockets, sitting on top of the casket was heart wrenching, knowing that he would never again, reach in, unwrap and pop that sweet in his mouth.
I could go on for days about the things of today, but I am emotionally drained and I must sleep.
But it was also a sad time. A time for remembering a man we loved. Each time I looked at the plain wooden casket I broke down, especially as he was lowered into the grave. The single mint candy, a testament to the candy he always carried in his pockets, sitting on top of the casket was heart wrenching, knowing that he would never again, reach in, unwrap and pop that sweet in his mouth.
I could go on for days about the things of today, but I am emotionally drained and I must sleep.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Waiting
Right after work today I am leaving to go to Binghamton for my Grandfathers funeral. I am approaching it with a mix of excitement and trepidation. Excitement because I am going to be with my family all together, and because my other half is finally going to meet my mother. Trepidation because I know tonight that I will finally break down and cry. It has been to easy to push the thoughts of everything to the background with the things I have had to deal with R/L and not think about it, but If I know my family (and I do) we will all be crying. I don't want to face the reality that he's gone.
For now I am watching the clock until I can leave... 2 hours and 14 mins to go.
For now I am watching the clock until I can leave... 2 hours and 14 mins to go.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Loss
It's been a very hard month for me. I was finally seeing the end of the tunnel, finanically looking better, getting along great with Jon, everything heading in the right direction.... then it all changed. First Stimp... my "first born", then on Friday I lost my job... or rather the contract ended and the job I had lined up fell through... then last night, my Grandfather died.
I feel cried out. I have yet to shed torrents of tears for Geju. A few here and there when I think of certain things, like his invitation to hear him speak of the holocaust in September, or his command of languages and always reciting the Lords Prayer in Latin whenever my Catholic boyfriend was around, or his sence of humor. But I have yet to break down and sob. I feel it like a tight knot in my stomache, needing to be realeased, but I can't. Maybe it's becuase of lifes pressures right now. Signing up for school, having to find a new job. Worrying about car registration and money.
Maybe it's because I learned from Stimp. Maybe that is why Stimp passed when he did. To teach me that life goes on. Death changes you, but life goes on anyway.
Still, inside I grieve. For the things I wanted and missed. I wanted to be married before he went, which is why Jon and I were rushing so fast to the wedding point. Maybe give him a great grandchild...... To be Bat Mitzvahed and take the Torah from his hands... to hear him speak of the things he survived.... These things that will now never happen.
As I sit here thinking of Michaels Bar Mitzvah, the last I attended, I am finally crying, knowing that I will never have the honor of taking the Torah from his hands, his oldest Grandchild....
I feel cried out. I have yet to shed torrents of tears for Geju. A few here and there when I think of certain things, like his invitation to hear him speak of the holocaust in September, or his command of languages and always reciting the Lords Prayer in Latin whenever my Catholic boyfriend was around, or his sence of humor. But I have yet to break down and sob. I feel it like a tight knot in my stomache, needing to be realeased, but I can't. Maybe it's becuase of lifes pressures right now. Signing up for school, having to find a new job. Worrying about car registration and money.
Maybe it's because I learned from Stimp. Maybe that is why Stimp passed when he did. To teach me that life goes on. Death changes you, but life goes on anyway.
Still, inside I grieve. For the things I wanted and missed. I wanted to be married before he went, which is why Jon and I were rushing so fast to the wedding point. Maybe give him a great grandchild...... To be Bat Mitzvahed and take the Torah from his hands... to hear him speak of the things he survived.... These things that will now never happen.
As I sit here thinking of Michaels Bar Mitzvah, the last I attended, I am finally crying, knowing that I will never have the honor of taking the Torah from his hands, his oldest Grandchild....
Thursday, August 19, 2004
Work Rant
I am a temp at where I work, meaning that I don't get paid directly by the hospital. I have not been looking for full time work because I had a job lined up. The social services department has a Grant from the state for a new program they have started, and part of that grant was 30,000 for an administrative assistant. The manager of SS has heard so many great stories about my work (not that I am sure it is all true) that she decided she wanted to hire me for this position once my temp assignment was finished. Unfortunatly, she didn't have the position approved yet so she couldn't formally offer me the job. She stared this process, and was informed yesterday that the position would not be approved..... meaning the day before my assignment finishes, I am without a job.
This was perfect, I could work nights and weekends, meaning that I could go to classes during the day, the right salary, and the right work. They want her to take that money and apply it to people who are already working at the hospital, including a social worker who is already being paid by March of Dimes. Basically, it's fraudulant. She has been told that the paperwork, tracking and financials that I would have been doing should be handled with a volunteer, or share someone from another department.
Needless to say, I am very upset and unfortunatly back on the job hunt.
This was perfect, I could work nights and weekends, meaning that I could go to classes during the day, the right salary, and the right work. They want her to take that money and apply it to people who are already working at the hospital, including a social worker who is already being paid by March of Dimes. Basically, it's fraudulant. She has been told that the paperwork, tracking and financials that I would have been doing should be handled with a volunteer, or share someone from another department.
Needless to say, I am very upset and unfortunatly back on the job hunt.
Monday, August 16, 2004
Finally
Well, I finally have internet at home. So why am I updating this at work you ask? Because my man is home on the weekends and I want to spend it with him, allthough I feel this weekend was a waste of money. His grandparents and Aunt were in town, and we took them up to a railroad tour thingy that we found a brochure on. It advertised a 2 hour train ride on an old coal line, on a train built after the civil war.
So we go in expecting to get a nice historical notation on our ride about the area and the train line. Jon paid $60 for the tickets for all of us, and we browsed through the gift shop waiting for the train. Departure time was 1pm, but by the time we left it was 1.20. In the beginning, the ride was enjoyable, until we noticed that we were not hearing anything. Apparently their PA was broken, so we had a nice long $60 train ride (that too 3 hours not 2) of nothing. Being summer there was not much of a view of the river, and there was a hum the entire ride that gave all of us a headache. We tried to be positive about it (The icecream at the midway point was ok) but I feel like it was an entire waste of money- especially as we don't have a lot as it is.
Afterwards, Jon and I choose a resturant in town to have dinner in. We don't eat out much because that's all he does during the week, and he likes to eat my cooking on the weekends. Grandma wanted something not too fancy, but nice, so we choose a place called the Butcher Block which has GREAT food, but not too pricey. Turns out, Grandma hates red meat and teriaki which basically encompasses the entire menu. She wouldn't leave and go somewhere else though, so she ordered a salad and grumbled half the night about them not having a roast beef or a plain chicken.
So we go in expecting to get a nice historical notation on our ride about the area and the train line. Jon paid $60 for the tickets for all of us, and we browsed through the gift shop waiting for the train. Departure time was 1pm, but by the time we left it was 1.20. In the beginning, the ride was enjoyable, until we noticed that we were not hearing anything. Apparently their PA was broken, so we had a nice long $60 train ride (that too 3 hours not 2) of nothing. Being summer there was not much of a view of the river, and there was a hum the entire ride that gave all of us a headache. We tried to be positive about it (The icecream at the midway point was ok) but I feel like it was an entire waste of money- especially as we don't have a lot as it is.
Afterwards, Jon and I choose a resturant in town to have dinner in. We don't eat out much because that's all he does during the week, and he likes to eat my cooking on the weekends. Grandma wanted something not too fancy, but nice, so we choose a place called the Butcher Block which has GREAT food, but not too pricey. Turns out, Grandma hates red meat and teriaki which basically encompasses the entire menu. She wouldn't leave and go somewhere else though, so she ordered a salad and grumbled half the night about them not having a roast beef or a plain chicken.
Monday, August 09, 2004
Blast from the Past
Last night I got a surprise phone call. My mother calls (which in itself is a surprise these days) to tell me that she had just heard from a childhood friend of mine- Kaylene Wilson. Except she's not Wilson anymore. She's married with 2 children. I have not talked to Kaylene in... 4 years. FOREVER. She has a 2 1/2 year old daughter and a young Son (Caitlyn (?) and Brody). It was nice to know that there are people out there who think of me once in a while. :)
Friday, August 06, 2004
Words words words
So I've been told about a million times that i can write. That I have a flair for words. I can take a sentance and twist it so it sound professional or whimisical and yet still say the same thing. It seems recently my muse has struck me with lightning and I just want to write write write. I feel like a pot full of words that are bubbling up inside me just wanting to pour out. But I seem to have a problem. I have these GREAT charectures sitting in my head. People I am just waiting to bring to life with my pen (or keyboard), but I don't have a story. I can't think of any subject to write about. I want to write a novel. Something people will want to read. But what can I write?
Thursday, August 05, 2004
Run Around
Don't you hate it when big companies give you the run around? I've been trying to get my things in order to get my NY registration on my car, and Toyota is being a ROYAL PITA. I have talked to about 7 different people before someone told that my my Bankrupcy has already been disharched and my account is in collections. Oh jeezus. My lawyer says that as long as I keep paying nothing will happen, but they are not sending me payment slips. All I gotta say is at least the people on the other end of the line were helpful even if I got the run around.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Years and Years
As my next birthday approaches, I sit and think about the years that have passed, especially the most recent ones. It makes me wonder where I would be if I had done certain things differently. Would I have finished a degree? Would I be married with children? Who knows. I can't say I am unhappy with my life. There are things I wish I had that I don't have. Things I've done I wish I could have avoided. But that's how it is for all of us.
I guess Stimpys death made me stop and look at my life and be thankful for what I do have. The immediate horror and sorrow is gone now, and Stimpy is a dull ache in my heart. I love him and miss him, but I am glad for the time I had.
I guess Stimpys death made me stop and look at my life and be thankful for what I do have. The immediate horror and sorrow is gone now, and Stimpy is a dull ache in my heart. I love him and miss him, but I am glad for the time I had.
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