Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Prayers 

I know there are a lot of people who read this blog who may or may not want to know the following information- if so, stop reading. There are many people who read this who I didn't want to know this information- but I have to write. It's boiling in my chest and my belly and if I don't get it all out I will explode.
I'm pregnant. 5 Weeks along around about. I am both exctatic and terrified. J is beyond himself with grief. I have never heard that man sob and beg so hard for something in his life- he does not want this child. His grandfather died this morning which makes his emotional state beyond comprehension. I know that everyone says I have to make my own choice- but how can I foster a child on a man I know has the moral standard to marry me and raise it knowing that he not only doesn't want the child, he doesn't really want me. I don't want to turn into my parents and divorce in 20 years. I don't want to get married to a man who doesn't want to marry me. And although I know in my heart I could do this alone I know how he is and he would not be able to do that.
Plus, honestly, this is a BAD time to have a child. I am struggling financially, I am barely keeping my head above water, I just got diagnosed with MS, I have a back surgery apt on Friday, and school, I'd be throwing away years of work and money. Having a child now doesn't make sence.
But my heart is not listening to sense. I have a CHILD growing in me. His child. The one thing I have desired for so long. I WANT this child. I want to know if it's a boy or a girl. I want to know if it will have J's blue eyes or my Hazel ones. I want to hold it and love it like I already do. Sure it's only been 5 weeks, and I surely can't feel it yet, but i can feel it in my heart and my soul and my consious mind. It's there, and the thought of removing it volentarily devstates me.
this is such a bad time to have a child, but I can't bring myself to agree to termination. I know having it is the wrong choice, for me not because of him although that has to be part of the choice. But every time i try to bring myself to do the termination..... I quiver inside and know- this is my CHILD. How can I do this. I've even started changing my behaviours. No caffine, careful what I lift, watching what I eat... it's like I am preparing to go full term
I don't know where to turn or what to do. One of the doctors at work said to me today (he doesn't know- due to an unrelated incident) "you have such a great maternal instinct- you'd be a great mother". That has been a thorn in my side all day. And another Doc whose wife I am very close to does know, and he feels I should have the child0 he knows how much I want one, and how good I am with his son. And my friend John said "Uncle John will make the crib" and my neighbour will give me free day care and another friend is offering me maternity clothes and baby clothes, and their is state aid and..... Oh god, just thinking it makes me want to try and raise this child. And then there is my ex who thinks I am stupid for even considering it and my mother and obviously his mother.
And J. I love him still, but will I ever forgive him if I terminate, and will he ever forgive me if I don't? He wants to do couples councilling, but will it be enough. I told him that the only hope we had for a future was if I came before the family, If I wasn't welcome he wasn't going, and he agreed to that. But, his grandfathers funeral is this week. And I am stuck being the bitch- you need to take me- and he's stuck not wanting to say no because he agreed, but not wanting to say yes because it's his mothers father who died and now her son got the woman she hates pregnant and he can't guarentee what she will do.
In the end- I don't know what to do. If J had said to me "Ok lets raise this child" I wouldn't be thinking of termination. I would do it. This is the hardest thing I have EVER done. And every part of my heart and soul hurts.

1 Comments:

Hi. I just read your post and my heart breaks for you. I can't even pretend to understand what you are feeling or how difficult this decision is to make. The only thing I can relate to is having a very similar illness to MS and knowing how it affects pregnancy. I think the only thing you can do is take a very deep breath and make the decision with your heart because in this type of situation you will probably regret making it with just your head. Raising this child would be the most difficult thing you'll ever have to do in your entire life for all the reasons you've stated but sometimes the most difficult things are the most rewarding, and children usually are extremely rewarding :). I'm not trying to sway your decision one way or the other and no one who reads this should judge you for considering termination. I do wish you all the strength and courage in the near future; trust that things will work out and they will ... I really believe that and I hope you can too. :)

By Blogger Sonja, at 11:49 AM  

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