Friday, October 24, 2003

The Silver Lining
It's been a long time since I have felt THIS good about myself. Surprising if you consider what has been happening in my life recently. It's been a really long few months for me, it feels like it has been years. I guess it has been years leading up to this point. But I digress.
So recently, as in the last 2 months, I have had my heart broken.... twice. Yeah I know- I am a sucker for punishment. I just can't stop myself from wanting to be with someone. I guess I hate the thought of being alone. Don't we all? It's always hard when you are being dumped, and seeing as I have only once ever in my life been the dumpee I am not sure how it really feels the other way around.
So today, completly PMSing and pissed, I went to confront the most recent heart wrecker. And I came away feeling like a million bucks. No- I did not kick his ass lol. We had a long talk and I learned something very important about myself from it.
As we talked, he said something, that it sounded like I was trying to sell myself to him... and I realised suddenly that I was. But the thing was.... it wasn't because of him. It was because under all that bravado, and that confident front I show to the world... I am a young child waiting for a nod of approval. I do not see my worths until I see them through the eyes of another. I needed to know that I am ok, and that I was worth something to people and to the world, and not just some shadow passing through. And standing there in that moment, and seeing that he did care about me as a friend, and he hated causing me pain, I realised that I was ok with this broken heart. That it was a good thing.
So thank you Dave- for teaching me finally how to see "joy is your sorrow unmasked"... and finding the joy within the sorrow. And though I may still cry a few tears over what will never be, it will be with a smile, as I will always have benefited from loving and loosing you, then to have never met you at all.


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