Monday, August 23, 2004


It's been a very hard month for me. I was finally seeing the end of the tunnel, finanically looking better, getting along great with Jon, everything heading in the right direction.... then it all changed. First Stimp... my "first born", then on Friday I lost my job... or rather the contract ended and the job I had lined up fell through... then last night, my Grandfather died.
I feel cried out. I have yet to shed torrents of tears for Geju. A few here and there when I think of certain things, like his invitation to hear him speak of the holocaust in September, or his command of languages and always reciting the Lords Prayer in Latin whenever my Catholic boyfriend was around, or his sence of humor. But I have yet to break down and sob. I feel it like a tight knot in my stomache, needing to be realeased, but I can't. Maybe it's becuase of lifes pressures right now. Signing up for school, having to find a new job. Worrying about car registration and money.
Maybe it's because I learned from Stimp. Maybe that is why Stimp passed when he did. To teach me that life goes on. Death changes you, but life goes on anyway.
Still, inside I grieve. For the things I wanted and missed. I wanted to be married before he went, which is why Jon and I were rushing so fast to the wedding point. Maybe give him a great grandchild...... To be Bat Mitzvahed and take the Torah from his hands... to hear him speak of the things he survived.... These things that will now never happen.
As I sit here thinking of Michaels Bar Mitzvah, the last I attended, I am finally crying, knowing that I will never have the honor of taking the Torah from his hands, his oldest Grandchild....


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