Friday, November 21, 2003
Now I know most people who read this blog are people close to me, people that I know and love, so I just hope that my musings today do not cause you concern or worry. They are the questions of the soul, that I cannot answer.
Just a brief 3 weeks ago (holy crap it's been 3 weeks) I met a man named J. Still recovering from a heartache, I was not looking for a relationship, and I was certainly not looking to date anyone. I was happy to be single for a while. I just wanted to live my life, study hard, work hard, and maybe go somewhere for a change. Surrounded by my family, I felt a peace in my soul that I have not felt in a very long time. I knew that I was going to struggle for a while, but I also knew I was going to make a change. I was going to move East, I was going to be closer to those I love. And everything would be alright.
And now this.
As I sat there at the table, colouring with my cousin, talking with my Aunts and Uncles, I looked up and there he stood. Surrounded by my family was the last place I thought that I would find someone. It took all night for us to finally meet, and then a mere few hours for us to realize that we both wanted to get to know each other. The next day, surrounded by my family yet again, we found ourselves time and time again drawn together, and although we did not touch or speak, a connection was born.
Since that day nothing has been the same. I have been so hurt so recently that I have been afraid to give my heart away again. And yet, I find each day that he has creapt further into me. I cannot help but love him, and I find that it is the most natural thing I have ever done. Our daily talks have covered every imaginable subject, and yet there is one we return to time and time again.
A blank slate, yet to be drawn. The future holds any number of possibilities. Anything or nothing could happen. And yet, since the day he first said he loved me, and the day I first said it to him, I see one image sketched in on that slate. Standing in front of him, holding his hands, looking in his eyes, and making that ultimate commitment. This image scares me. This man is a veritable stranger to me still. As I am to him. And yet...... I cannot shake this feeling of just.... knowing.
Is this just my heart and dreams running away with me again? I do not know. I cannot answer. All I know is that when I finish this blog, go to bed and close my eyes, that image will yet again appear. Knowing also, that similar thoughts have run through his dreams as they do mine.
So I wonder. In this sea of people, and through the heartache and the dreams, and the rainbows you chase... how do you know when you really hold the truth? How do you know you have found that other half of yourself?
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