Monday, September 25, 2006

It's been a while since I've written here. In fact I am not even sure what I wrote last time. Instead of being cathargic I'm afraid to write here because the pain is so fresh and raw that I am afraid of looking like someone I am not. I was so cautious about writing about the beginning of our relationship and now I find myself cautious at the end.
Today is a bad day. What I write here will leave everyone who reads this shaking their head saying- this girl is a nut. And I just don't care. I'm beyond caring how the world sees me. Glenn says that I am stronger than this. That this is not the girl he fought with for 5 years, but I think I've honestly lost it this time. I don't have any strength left. John says that I am in desperation mode. I think he's right.
On Sept 1st, when J came to vist, we slept together again. I thought it was a way to win him back- and I was wrong. Instead I had my heart ripped to shreds, and I'm laying broken in a heap. Since he broke me, I have been hoping and dreaming that he had caused me to be pregnant again. Yes. I am a freak. If I was, i wasn't going to tell him, but I know I wanted him to find out. I had dreams of him showing up at the lake and meeting his 3 year old son. Or dreams of him showing up at my door becasue he's stuck in a snowstorm, and their being a Baby in my room. I've had variations of these dreams all month. I have tried to talk myself out of these feelings- school, work, but each night I beg whoever is out there to PLEASE give me this child. I feel the pain of what I did last time deep inside, and the regret is almost more than I can bear.
I've had some signs, peeing a lot, fatigue, but both of those things could be the MS. My period is now late, only by a day, so I took a test this morning. And I was crushed. Negative.


Jennie, I don't think you're a nut :) I've told you this before: don't let anyone criticize your feelings because we have no clue what you are going through ... no two situations are identical. But at the same time, from someone who only knows you from your blog, I think you need to search really deep in yourself and find the strength that all your readers know is there. Write your feelings here or talk it out with a friend, but remind yourself that you have a lot of good things in your life and force yourself to choose to think about those things. I really really believe things will work out for you if you let them. I hope I don't sound totally idiotic and like I live in some kind of dream world ... I hope you understand where I'm coming from. Take care.

By Blogger Sonja, at 11:00 AM  

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