Friday, April 16, 2004
The shame
Ahhh.. the shame of showing your blog to someone, when you haven't written in it for nearly 4 months. What can I say? The lack of internet access at home really makes an impact on the things you do online. It seems that my last few posts have been meaning-less rambles about being in love with Jon. Sorry for that folks, but I guess when a feeling overwhelms you that much, you just can't contain it. But I promise not to ramble on today.... wait... what else is a blog for really?
As each day goes by I settle into my routine with Jon. We wake in each others arms, go to work, I come home, cook dinner, meet him at the door, we eat, talk, occassionally go out, go to bed in each others arms. It's a comforting routine. And I do love it. But I feel like I need more. No, no, not from him. I could never hope for anyone like him, I can't believe that he loves me! But I feel like my life is void.
I had a dream, a dream of being more than the office fluncky, whom everyone needs, but no-one recognises. A dream that I could get beyond the food industry and the administrative jobs that I am so damn good at, and yet find so damn boring. And so I went back to school. And I began a new path for myself. A path that liberated me from my past and those who had held me down. A path that led to a brighter future. But I have delayed that dream so that I could move in with Jon.
But it still lives on in me, I can still feel that dream pounding in each beat of my heart. I want it. I want to go to school, I want to learn, I want to study, I want to teach. I want to see history through the eyes of others, see other perspectives. But I am now being torn. Torn by the "domestic" dream that has slumbered in me for as long as I can remember. Marry, have children, buy a house. Not necessarily in that order.
So what do I do? Do I stay in an area I hate for the high paying administrative job? Do I give in and buy a house, settle with what I am now. Or do I challenge the dream, and go back to school, continue to have no money ever? How do I know which dream to follow???
As each day goes by I settle into my routine with Jon. We wake in each others arms, go to work, I come home, cook dinner, meet him at the door, we eat, talk, occassionally go out, go to bed in each others arms. It's a comforting routine. And I do love it. But I feel like I need more. No, no, not from him. I could never hope for anyone like him, I can't believe that he loves me! But I feel like my life is void.
I had a dream, a dream of being more than the office fluncky, whom everyone needs, but no-one recognises. A dream that I could get beyond the food industry and the administrative jobs that I am so damn good at, and yet find so damn boring. And so I went back to school. And I began a new path for myself. A path that liberated me from my past and those who had held me down. A path that led to a brighter future. But I have delayed that dream so that I could move in with Jon.
But it still lives on in me, I can still feel that dream pounding in each beat of my heart. I want it. I want to go to school, I want to learn, I want to study, I want to teach. I want to see history through the eyes of others, see other perspectives. But I am now being torn. Torn by the "domestic" dream that has slumbered in me for as long as I can remember. Marry, have children, buy a house. Not necessarily in that order.
So what do I do? Do I stay in an area I hate for the high paying administrative job? Do I give in and buy a house, settle with what I am now. Or do I challenge the dream, and go back to school, continue to have no money ever? How do I know which dream to follow???
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