Sunday, February 08, 2009
It's taken me some time to get my emotions in check to write this post. As many readers may know by know, we discovered my father passed away last Wednesday. At this time we are not sure how long he's been gone, and with all the heat... well I am sure everyone who reads this blog can work out what that means. I cannot escape the image of him being in his car for days or weeks and the way he must have looked when he was found. I try to think about the person he was alive instead of what he became after death.
My emotions are all over the place. I am so upset that my father is no longer alive. It's hardly real- I found myself reaching for the phone to call him today and realised he will never again answer that call. I'm angry that he didn't wait until I came home in December to meet Juliet. I'm saddened by the fact that he felt that desperate that he had to do this. I'm devestated that he will never know Juliets first word, or when she takes her first step.
Juliets needs have been keeping me from loosing it. She doesn't understand of course, so I need to be a mum first and a grieving daughter second.
I fly to Australia on the 14th. I have had so much organizing to do. Plane tickts, a passport for Juliet, packing, changing appointments... and so much more. Being busy has helped a LOT, but as I get everything sorted out, it leaves me more time to think. And I don't know how ready for that I am.
I'm haunted by not knowing how long it took us to find him- not knowing leaves room for the imagination. Thank god for my daughter.
It seems there is devastation everywhere. With the fires so close to us I too know so many who are no longer - the people, the places, the memories.
By 2:55 AM, at
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