Thursday, July 05, 2007

Healthy Living for Cats 

1. Sleeping arrangements.
There are other places in this house for you to sleep besides on top of me. Seriously. This house is about 1500 square foot.. which means that at any given time, you've got a minimum of 1495sq. ft. to sleep in. If you want warmth, sleep in a window.. if you want cool, sleep under the kitchen sink. If it's nearness to me you're after, sleep beside me. This suggestion can be multiplied by two when you're thinking of sleeping on my head. As a living, breathing mammal, you should be very well aware that I need to breathe. Your furry belly covering my mouth and nose makes this impossible. Remember - if I die, no one will feed you.

2. Purring will not get you out of trouble.

If I just caught you on top of the rat cage, with your paw in the fish bowl or beating up your sister, purring the instant I pick you up will under no circumstances avert the stern talking to you're about to receive. As Supreme Ruler of this household, it is my duty to keep all the creatures in this house safe. Even the ones you consider a suitable supper.

3. I do not need an escort through the house.

I've been walking for nearly 26 years. I've walked through areas much more dangerous than the hallway and the laundry room with absolutely no protection from a cat.. and I lived to tell the tale. While I understand that it's just because you care for me and want to protect me from those shadows that get your hackles up.. I'm really not scared. I'll be fine walking to the bathroom and back by myself. And, hey. If I need your protection and support? I'll be sure to call you.

4. I don't need help cleaning.

I'm perfectly capable of cleaning house without your help. I don't need you hanging off the broom to give me more power in my stroke, I don't need you chasing the mop and tracking your pretty little paw prints on the linoleum I just *finished* mopping.. nor do I need you to chase the cloth while I clean the windows or leave your paw prints there I also don't need protection from the vacuum cleaner.. Hissing at it doesn't do any good. It doesn't speak your language.

and finally:

5. I know when it's time to get up.

I prefer to wake up when I'm ready, as opposed to when you think it's time for me to get up. While it might just make me ungrateful, I really don't need your kitty kisses on my chin, you sniffing my eyelashes, you licking my lips or my ears. And I *definitely* don't need you sitting on my chest staring at me until I wake up. If your bowl is empty, I can guarantee it hasn't been empty long.. and I further guarantee that you won't starve to death the second you've eaten your last bit of food. I promise. Let me sleep. Then when I wake up, I'll be happy to see you and even happier to feed you.

Thank you.


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