Wednesday, March 01, 2006


Yeah I know my last post made no sense. Thus I am leaving it as is. It perfectly represents the way I felt. The confusion, hurt, anger. No Jon did not send the text message. However someone did. And it's opened the vortex of hurt that has safely been held behind closed doors for so long. For both of us. The fact that I didn't trust him enough to know he didn't send it- the fact that I didn't trust in the relationship enough to not believe it. He's finally realised that living 2 states away is not working. So what do we do? I don't know. We don't know.
And as this all goes on my answer of self has gone. Disapeared into the vortex. Why am I here- in this country? Why do I make myself get up every day. Why am I working 2 jobs and banging my head against the wall for school. Each day I wake up and I just don't care. No I am not suicidal, just desperatly unhappy. I miss Jon. I miss having him in my life. But do I have the strength to let him go? Neither one of us wants this to end, but we can't keep going the way we are. I don't have any true connections anywhere. I feel like floating down a river in a dingy, waves washing at the sides and I don't really care where it takes me. I need to seize the paddles again, and I just don't know how.

I'm not strong enough.


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