Monday, April 04, 2005


Why is it that happiness is so darn elusive? Once upon a time I though that happiness was easy to achieve, and yet these days I feel it slipping further and further from my grasp. Last week was both heaven and hell for me. J was home a few nights and we were able to do the small things, eat dinner toghether, go to the gym, sleep in the same bed. That was the heaven part. The hell was him starting to pack his belongs in preperation for him to move.
God knows we have been talking about this for months, but now that the time is here I can't get my mind around him going. I don't want him to go. It's not just family, or the fact that he can't breathe due to the cats, it's the fact that I have become so quiet and complacent with the ways things have been and I have not spoken up for myself for the fear of him walking away.
I love him so much, and this is tearing me apart. I always swore to myself I would not be a pity date. That I would not have him stay with me if it was just because he felt sorry for me. I want him to love me with the overwhelming feeling that I feel. In so many ways I think it would be better if I let him walk away, let him find himself amongst the mess that his life has become. Work, family, me- all of it nothing but stress. But I can't do that- because of the way he holds me at night, the way he looks at me. He says he still loves me and cares about me, so how can I let him go?


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